Something to Believe In

Domestic Violence candlelight vigils: to honor the fallen victims and celebrate survivors

2011-10-25T09:39:00.000-04:00

NEW SONG!! (Lyrics below)

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”-- Maya Angelou

An hour or so after it began, the vigil was ended.

Peggy Panagrossi, Executive Director of Safe Haven of Greater Waterbury, stands with a volunteer as she extinguishes one candle in memory of someone who was killed at the hands of their abuser.

Upside down purple and white candles sat in sand inside a purple satin lined bucket tied with a black ribbon, on a table at the foot of the cathedral's altar. People were invited to look at each of the exhibits defining the devastation and meaning of Domestic Violence: The Empty Place at the Table, (the family member who will no longer be eating with the family) the Clothesline Project (image below) (survivors of all kinds of abuse write letters to the perpetrator on tee shirts to display emotion,)

the 74 pairs of children's shoes lined up the church aisle (each pair of shoes represents the number of children in the past year, seeking shelter with their moms, as they were leaving abusive husbands or boyfriends.)

We were packing up our musical equipment and several people were scattered about in conversations, when one woman came up to talk to me.

"Are you a survivor, too? She asked. My name is (name witheld) and I work for this center."

"Yes, I am. Ten years." I respond. Ten years! Every time I think of that mile marker, I am excited... and humbled.

"Well.... those songs you wrote and sang tonight? I felt like you were talking to me." and I watched her eyes redden as tears slid down her cheeks and she was crying and I could tell she had been crying only moments before, too.

That was the most kind thing anyone could have told me about my project. I was instantly warmed,feeling so blessed to have this opportunity to touch others.Thank YOU. I wanted to cry now, myself.

"DO you have a CD?" ( The famous question!:)

"Not my own, not yet, but I do have three of my songs on a CD (the Thriver Workbook companion CD) that you can find out about ordering on my website, if you'd like."

There is a song I wrote, as I often do specifically for the event I am presenting at. Music is a way to move people and what better way to move them than through the words they want to hear in any particular moment.

I will post the lyrics below, but no, the song is not yet recorded yet, sorry!

There was a quote I came across at another vigil: "If we only had to light one candle, so many lives would not be shattered." At the DV vigil, volunteers line up with a candle to extinguish the flame in a bucket of sand as each victim's name was called. Each year, the number of names called is different. This year it was 24. Twenty- four victims that died of the hands of their abuser is too many, don't you think?

"One Candle"
I never knew her, but I heard her name called tonight.
I never knew him, but now I know how he died
and I think that I just realized

Sometimes we lose the battles we choose and sometimes we survive
It doesn't seem fair, but candles and lives somewhere are still burning bright

and each flame goes out for each name called tonight

Don't hold back the tears, allow them to fall
We can't take back the years, but we can remain grateful

I never met you, but I bet you're a survivor
Maybe it was secret, but you found your way through these doors
Your life today is better than it ever was before

Don't hold back the tears, allow them to fall
We can't take back the years, but we can remain grateful

I want to imagine what heaven must be like
Do pearly gates open to wisdom, love and light
confusion spins within and I wonder--

I want to imagine that someday we'll see change
one candle will be lit and we wouldn't be calling out any names

C. 2011 Vanessa Stevens/Purple Song Project

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Our First Music Video!

2011-10-24T08:25:00.000-04:00

"One cold October morning your name made the news...." (From Maggie's Song")

I wrote "Maggie's Song" two years ago to share Maggie's legacy, to offer up a loving tribute to her parents and family, and to start a conversation, possibly, about Teen Dating Violence.

Maggie was a 19-year-old sophomore from Plainwell, Michigan, attending Kalamazoo College in Michigan in 1999. Her life ended in a relationship violence incident on that campus on October 18, 1999. Since that time her family has devoted her memory to raising awareness of relationship violence prevention. Many of Maggie's friends, as well as her family, have taken up this cause.

I met Lana last summer and we hit it off. Lana is a film student at a private college here in Connecticut, whom I met through Susan's My Avenging Angel Workshops, (Susan is Maggie's Aunt, the workshops-helping to give women the life after abuse that her niece would never see.) Lana and I decided to film a music video for "Maggie's Song!"

I met with Lana and her assistant Jonathan in June, and we began taping in July. They've had other projects but combined on this video we've worked oh, I'd say, 75?? hours already! We're using professional equipment (rented from Lana's college) and we have been putting full days into each taping, through interviews and live shows as well as what we did last Friday-we headed to Lana's college campus for to shoot the final scenes--- I must have played "Maggie's Song" fifteen times:)

To give the film makers more choices, we shot at six different locations on the campus:

"time stood still..."

the water fountain (above)
a clock tower,
on an open field in center of the campus,
in the middle of a crowd of students walking to and from class,

at the "green screen," a basic screen where scenes could be shot with any background desired programmed in with the help of a computer.
college dorm, because Maggie was shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend is his dorm room.

Before the shooting, I had to draw up a detailed scenes list, so that Lana and Jonathan could share in my vision and would have a better idea where exactly to shoot the scenes. I brought along a few changes of outfits-- hello...DIVA!! (Well.... not really.)They were mostly black or purple! No makeup crew, or hair/nail stylists....

One of the scenes I wanted most was an image of busy college students.
Since Maggie was a college student murdered on campus, it was important to capture the college environment, what better way than playing and singing in the middle of a crowd of students on their way to and from class? PS-- We didn't know what to expect or how the students would react. I had to play and sing as they passed and crossed in front of me, then look both ways, cross the street when no cars were coming! We did this all in four takes each side of the street and the students were respectful! I think this will be one of my favorite scenes.:)


*Who do we blame when love turns to hate? How do we stop it before its too late?* (From "Maggie's Song")

Of course, I want the four minute video (the song is four minutes long) to hold the viewer's interest. And of course, there will be little statistics about dating violence throughout as this is meant to spread awareness as well.

But, I must say, what was my favorite wardrobe item??

A Maggie's Hat!
I chose to wear this in some scenes as another tribute to Maggie. These warm, hand-knitted hats were designed to be knitted and sold in order to raise money for Maggie's Foundation, to be set up also in Maggie's memory.

Image of Maggie's Hat, hanging from a tree branch in this shot. You can see a part of the water fountain.

You'll see snippets of the video as I get it, on our facebook page as we progress, and we will be setting up our own video channel, to broadcast it on. Stay tuned.... and as always thank you for your support of this important work. ♥♥♥


Remember Maggie: RememberingMaggie.com (1980-1999)

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We're Afraid of the Dark Places

2011-10-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

Recently I published a comment on a blog that asks for a writers to respond in just one minute. And the topic was something like what would you do for a friend?

Generally, its fun posting in just one minute because you say whatever is on your mind.The first thing that came to my mind? I would help a friend if she/he said he/she was ever abused. I would validate him/her, and I would share with my friend as much information as I could about how and where to get help.

I found myself posting anonymously. I could have posted and linked to purple song, it certainly would have attracted the right people but instead I posted anonymously. Why did I do that? Was I embarrassed to talk about the dark subject or was it something else?

Back when the whole thing "went down" with Rihanna/Chris Brown a couple of years back, I remember Rihanna say she was ashamed to admit she was an abused woman. No woman (or man) wants to admit they are being abused. Because of re-victimization and more than that the SHAME that comes with admitting you are a victim. But maybe because its a matter of admitting it as something that happened to us. And later, it becomes a signal of strength, something we've overcome. Abuse can be so debilitating because it can become our way of life, daily handing over our power until we have no power left to hand over, the frog in the frying pan that does not recognize itself in hot and hotter water until it is sadly boiled to death.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Awareness precedes change. By becoming more aware, seeking answers, doing our own research and talking to those more knowledgeable we knock down walls, thrust open doors and shine light on those dark places. When we do, those places become fact, not scary fiction, and possibilities, not impossibilities, public knowlegde, not shameful secrets, places of relating, not abandonment and empowerment instead of guilt and shame.

It happened with the breast cancer movement and while we haven't yet found a cure for that epidemic, shining light to Domestic Violence is not going to stop abuse from happening.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said "We can murder the murderer but we cannot murder murder."
So we will never be able to stop abuse from happening, but we can educate those on why the need to have power and control over another is so tempting and help ourselves as a society to gradually become more aware, conversations will begin and continue, and maybe, just maybe we'll see change.

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! Don't forget to LIKE us on Facebook.com/purplesongproject. Thanks!

Are You Surviving or Are You Thriving?

2011-09-27T18:57:00.003-04:00

http://www.survivingorthrivingnow.com

Recently I was interviewed for a very cool blog.
I first met Tanya Monteiro who filmed a documentary last year to search for thrivers. She began with the overall goal to provide the world with real life human examples of thrivers and she sought the world to find these examples.

http://twitter.com/#!/tanyamonteiro

I was drawn her blog's title"Are You Surviving or Are You Thriving?" and something invited me to comment on one of her posts. She must have followed the link back to my blog. I received an email from this thriver a few days later, asking to be interviewed for her "Adversity to Thriving Mondays."

What I experienced during our phone conversation a few weeks ago was a very relaxed, casual interview and an instant connection. Tanya herself is a thriver and always searching for others that are, or at least willing to subscribe to her philosophy behind her blog or possibly her whole life. And... it was pretty cool to be speaking so intimately with someone from LONDON! :)

"It became clear," she writes, "whilst doing years and years of research that access, for me, to real life success stories was limited. Access to victims and any aspects of how terrible things can be, that was easy. I want to create something that focuses on the positive choices in life regardless of experience, education or even culture. My hope is that this documentary provides many many people with real examples that help them make the decisions they need to Thrive."
To view the documentary sample, click here

The Q&A...
I thought she would ask me questions about how my project came to be or what survivors will experience in the presentations I do with attorney and author Susan Omilian, like my unique "campfire storytelling technique" or why I do the songs I do.

Instead, I was interviewed not as founder and creator of The Purple Song Project but simply as a survivor, ahem.... thriver of Domestic Violence and the questions she asked were pointed. What does thriving mean to me and how do I deal with my bullies? Cool, huh?

READ THE INTERVIEW HERE

to visit Tanya's blog
http://twitter.com/#!/tanyamonteiro
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Your Birthday- 5 Things to Reflect On

2011-09-20T09:37:00.001-04:00

On the phone with my father yesterday I mentioned to him I am being reflective on my birthday.(This was a few days ago but my birthday is today.)
He sounded genuinely concerned when he asked if I was ok.

"Dad, everything is fine," I explained, (Dads have a way of making their daughters explain.) "I am just realizing certain things and taking a look at my life, looking at what I have, want and where I am."

"Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow."

Margaret Fuller

Birthdays are a time for reflection. Why wait until New Year's Eve?(unless your birthday does happen to fall on or around that time!) Now is the time to make resolutions, set real goals for myself personally and professionally.

I love lists, and went researching (yep, I can be a nerd!) and found this post on a blog called "Hello Beautiful." I wanted to repost.

She says: When you celebrate your birthday, you’re celebrating a year’s worth of new experiences, trials, tribulations, and excitement. What are some important things to reflect upon as you reach a new age?

Tonight, whether I am out with a few close BFFs of mine, or just enjoying a romantic (probably contemplative) evening with my hubs, I will most likely at some point jot down some answer these five things in my journal

Here are Five Things to reflect on, on your birthday

1. What have been the high point and low points of the past year?
A lot of times, as humans we just focus on the negative or the positive, but life isn’t ever simply black or white.
2. Where has the time gone? What have you spent most of your time doing?
Especially when you’re starting a new decade or a significant year, it’s a wake-up call when you realize how much time has passed. You always have time to change your priorities, however.

3. What kind of maturity or experience have you gained throughout the year?
Think of anything you’ve been doing differently or what events have occurred in your life this past year. Has your advancement in age changed you?

4. Make sure you’re living up to your potential.
Do you find what you’ve been doing up until this point as beneficial or something that works for you? Do you have long term plans as well as short term goals?

5. How does another year sound?
Your life can only be lived from one set of eyes (yours) and your view of your own life is unique.

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! Don't forget to LIKE us on Facebook.com/purplesongproject. Thanks!

ALSO:
Have you tried commenting on this blog and not been able to? I am concerned at the usability of blogger and want to make this an easy forum for you to comment on if you'd like, so as another idea to make changes we may switch our Something to Believe In Blog over to wordpress.com as any wordpress blogs seem to be more inviting to comments.
Before we make the switch, we will let you know!

A Song for the People (9/11)

2011-09-13T23:30:00.000-04:00

Country singer Alan Jackson wrote a song weeks after 9.11 and recorded it for the world. He performs it at his shows and says it "strikes a chord" with his audience every time.

We will never forget.

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?

Were you in the yard with your wife and your children or working on some stage in LA

Did you stand there in shock at the site of that black smoke rising against that blue sky

Did you shout out in anger in fear for your neighbor or did you just sit down and cry...

Alan says,


mean, just a lot of things in there people told me that they had actually donethose things, so ... I guess I was like everybody else, just feeling those same feelings. In writing the song he says: “I don’t know where it came from,” Jackson said. “It’s like one of my favorite things Hank Williams said when he was asked about where he got his songs. He said, ‘I just hold the pen — God writes the song.’ That’s how I feel about this one.” Read more at cmt.com I thought it would only be fair to include video here of the song: Peace, love, hope and comfort to the heroes and victims of 9.11 Though its been a a decade and now a couple of days since the anniversary has passed,still, we will never forget.

"I had so many people tell me thatthere's always a line or something in there that they did, whether it was go to church or pick up their Bible or go see theirmother or watch a sunset," Jackson said. "I

Touched by Grace

2011-09-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

A "Thriver Book" review

Amazon.com

Have you been touched by grace in your life?

Have you had people and coincidences that came into your life suddenly or gradually or because a prayer was answered, or a wish granted?

There are no coincidences.

I've heard it said before, and still question it sometimes but this theory, or phrase or whatever you call it is confirmed by author Cheryl Richardson in her book The Unmistakable Touch of Grace: How to Recognize and Respond to the Spiritual Signposts in Your Life.

Every event we experience and every person we meet has been put in our path for a reason.

She starts with a list of Promises we'll find if we choose to awaken to grace in our lives:

You are not alone

You have a higher purpose for your life

You have what it takes to face any life challenge

You are a student in the school of life

You have the peace and happiness you desire already within you.

In a previous post I mentioned a fortune cookie that told me "not to worry, you will always have everything I you need." Regarding the writing on a fortune cookie is probably a lot like believing a "Magic 8 Ball" can accurately predict the future!

Remember those? Huddled in a friend's bedroom after school with some other girlfriends to find out if the guy we liked, liked us. The Magic 8 ball always seemed to have the answer, and if it got dropped the inky black liquid would bubble under the plastic window and make the answer that much more mysterious and hard to read.

Maybe not the Magic 8 ball, but the fortune cookie was right.
It was more of an affirmation or mantra, and a reminder of what Cheryl Richardson promises with her book; that no matter what challenges were thrown into my life I would get through (by finding others that were going through the same experience.)Or, that the "peace" and "happiness" was already inside (I just had to let them "bubble" out and flow into my life and change my thoughts to become more positive.)

By letting go of the outcome I could let experiences teach me rather than being consumed with wishing and wanting. At the time in my life I came across it, both the fortune cookie and the book, I can honestly say that's when I needed it most.

And that's just one example of grace at work.

Interested in this book? Read our Amazon Review here. You can also read other Thriver Book Reviews.

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! Don't forget to LIKE us on Facebook.com/purplesongproject. Thanks!

Fight or Flight- How Past Experiences Influence Our Future Beliefs

2011-09-01T07:00:00.005-04:00

( Please accept an apology. This post is late. We lost power in the recent Hurricane Irene. Normally, you can expect to see fresh content by Tuesdays. Thanks for reading!)

Fear is a motivator. When we create new experiences we can diminish those fears. There are three instances I've been moved by fear or facing a fear in my life. A car accident ( I caused) a healthy relationship (I chose) and the recent hurricane experience that brought previous experiences rushing back to mind.

credit: greenwichtimes.com

Hurricane Irene was on her way. Loaves of bread, bottled water, flashlights and batteries flew off store shelves. Here in the Northeast tri-state area, we hadn't had a direct hit of a hurricane since 1985's Hurricane Gloria.

26 years ago, I was a seven year old girl watching the television flash warnings across a red screen that a Category 2 hurricane was fast approaching our area. Minutes later, the power went out.

We were a family of five, all huddled in our basement stair well. My parents held confused expressions when a neighbor pounded on our front door to to alert us that the front of our house was in the path of a large maple tree about to uproot. (We didn't own a cell phone in '85.) Dad thanked her for her effort, watched as she safely re-entered her house, then came back downstairs to tell us what happened.

Within seconds, a crash shook the entire house.

We hurried upstairs to see glass, pieces of roof and the wall, tree branches and maple leaves scattered across the living room carpet. That day, I realized how small and fragile we all are compared to Mother Nature.Through the gaping hole in the wall and what used to be a large window we saw the roots of the front yard's maple tree now lying across our living room floor. They reminded me of skinny octopus tentacles waving in the remaining wind. I was terrified and carried this experience with me into adulthood. I thought we should all fear Hurricane Irene just as much.

credit: ctpost.com

Three days ago, as Irene neared Connecticut, the wind howled, the branches were snapping off trees,our garden flowers were stripped of their petals and power lines swung like pendulums in the steady 60 mph winds. Packed suitcases sat by the front door in case we had to evacuate our home.

Because of Hurricane Gloria, I believed Irene would land a tree through our window. The only "damage" we saw, thankfully, was water pouring out of our ceiling light fixture. I am not as afraid of hurricanes anymore. Now don't get me wrong Hurricane Irene (downgraded to a Tropical Storm) did cause, area wide, a good amount of flood and wind damages, trees were uprooted and fell on houses and cars, and there were inconvenient power outages. (When is a power outage ever convenient?) And sadly, there were some fatalities and prayers are with those families.

***

There are two other instances I can recall where my beliefs changed from past experiences:

In a car accident

A few years ago, flying down the highway at rush hour, I slammed on the brakes, jerked the steering wheel towards the guard rail but still managed to rear end the ahem, BMW, in front of me! Beamer's damage? A bent tail pipe and bumper. My car? Air bags erupted from the steering wheel and glove compartment, filling the car with the nastiest plastic smell. The entire front end was crushed like a tin can and the hood was buckled like an accordion. A nervous case of freely flowing adrenalin, I vowed to never again get behind a wheel. But life goes on and I had to.

The next time I got into a car I began to erase the doubt that I would not rear end someone again! Sounds ridiculous but that was the simple truth.

In my relationships
Relationships are anything but simple.Did you know I used to believe that everyone I dated would eventually become abusive? This may sound like a generalization but every relationship did in fact, "turn" verbally, emotionally, financially, or physically abusive.

We're told abuse is not the victim's fault--this will seem contradictory--but if there are ways we attract abuse, then there are ways to make ourselves less attractive to those who abuse.

I am lucky to have married a man who is (it seems funny to have to label him this way) "non-abusive."By the time I met my husband I had made a firm decision I was no longer going to attract abusive men. I had had it! I deserved better. (Ironically, until I got further into my recovery, I still attracted abusive female "friends" and co-workers, argghhh!! Was bullied! We women can be pretty mean to each other, just sayin! I digress.)

I was determined, though and filtered out any signs of abuse with everyone I dated. Nine times out of ten I saw a warning flag, and sometimes those warnings were mistaken but better to reject than to accept and regret.

Again and again I looked for signs of his being the wrong person: on every date, in every phone conversation, every step of the dating "game." It was exhausting!

I faced my fear to risk some vulnerability as I learned whom and how to trust again.

Each new experience shaped new future beliefs, just like the devastation I expected with the recent hurricane, just like the accident I expected to experience again behind the wheel, and just like the abuse I gradually filtered out and finally eliminated from my life.

Fear can make us choose to fight or flight,or stand frozen like a deer in the headlights.

in an article on healthyplace.com, psychologist Dr. Bein says, "Fear is a prime motivator, fear is often what keeps us in a situation."

Sometimes we can be so afraid we actually get frozen in indecision. What I've realized even when I don't decide, I am still making a decision to stay, to leave, to accept abuse, to not tolerate it. By changing expectations based on the past I created new experiences to rely on in the future. Instead of being frozen by fear, I pushed through it each step in my recovery and took the risk necessary to change my beliefs until I didn't need to feel fear any more.

Like this post? Feel free to share any of our weekly posts on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! Don't forget to LIKE us on Facebook.com/purplesongproject. Thanks!

Want Fame?;) Lessons from a (Superficial?) Reality TV Show and its Host

2011-08-22T07:14:00.002-04:00

America's Next Top Model, created by former supermodel-turned-talk show host Tyra Banks, gives tips and tricks on how to succeed in the modeling business, and I find myself hooked to see which model has the most "attitude" both on and off the camera.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing about this show and I admit, I used to think it focused on the shallow and superficial, but a recent episode changed my mind.

In this episode, the remaining finalists were going to be judged on their overall interaction with the fans at a meet and greet. First, Tyra sat them down for a "prep talk," a brief but informative lecture about the way to handle fame.

I saw these tips as a way to stay grounded in real life as we move towards thriving.

Now, I am not "famous" but I am in the public eye a lot whether its with the cover band I sing lead in, workshops I teach, speaking for the project, or my solo music presentations. I found myself grabbing for a note pad and pen to record the tips Tyra gave the girls on the show:

1.) Know yourself. I know, easier said than done.
Getting in touch who we really are(not what we "do,") where we came from and what makes us "tick" inside helps us to realize what we are in fact, here on this Earth for, and we will not be afraid to take up space and to know we deserve respect and better treatment from everyone. To the supermodels, celebrities and budding famous, Tyra says the fans will each want "a piece of you" and will put you on a pedestal.

This can play with your head!

We are as human as the next person, ordinary people, each with our strengths, each with our weaknesses and flaws.

For some of us, we are ordinary people choosing an extraordinary life.

So, when someone wants to grab the red carpet out from under us to watch us trip and fall, well...that's too bad but it comes from envy, usually. We have whatever it is they want: Self-knowledge, money, fame, something extraordinary that we chose to go after and got!

2.)Boundaries!
During the meet and greet, one model gave a kiss on the cheek to one of the male fans that asked for it. She argued with him that she has a boyfriend and he wouldn't appreciate if she kissed this guy, but she did anyway. She was later given a lecture by the show's producers that by allowing a fan to overstep her boundaries she could open herself up to stalking or some kind of further violation of privacy and boundaries. Who knows what the guy was thinking after she kissed him? Maybe he thought,"Well... if she'll do that, maybe she'll do more."
Scary!

3.)How thick is your skin?
There's a reason that ladders are meant to be climbed one at at time.

We're meant to climb toward our dreams rung by rung, and by way of our own individual path.

A wise and quite accomplished musician friend of mine once said, "Vanessa, I'll meet you at the top. It's way too crowded on the bottom."

Those words made me feel special but what was he actually talking about? Could he see my drive, ambition, and desire to keep learning? Or was he just reminding me there is a climb to get anywhere we want to go and maybe he thought I was one who wouldn't give up.

Not surprisingly, during her lecture to the girls, Tyra mentioned she sometimes reads the nasty things people say about her and she is hurt, still hurt, a lot by what she reads but she separates herself from those words and moves past them. I imagine she once chose a high ladder and let people pull on her legs and try to pull her down but she persisted, hung on, and just kept climbing.

Finally, Andre Leon Talley, former Vogue Editor at large, and judge in America's Next Top Model, shared a quote that made me think he had been through some tough times but chose to rise above and climb to success as well:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but dumb names make me wealthy!"

When the models heard this they laughed, and agreed. Well, that's one perspective!

Check out Tyra's new website: http://www.typef.com/

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! Don't forget to LIKE us on Facebook.com/purplesongproject. Thanks!

A Chance to Meet Oprah

2011-08-16T08:05:00.002-04:00

A friend's recent facebook post said.

Um....you don't have to ask me twice!

So I read more.

Oprah is inviting us to sign up to receive a lesson in her life class! I'm there. Not so happy about having to enter my street address and birth date and agree to a ten or so page rules and regulations but this is the way it goes.

I'm sure I'm one of the FIRST MILLION to sign up, so I'll be sure to receive my journal from Oprah... but my name/address and birthdate are thrown into the giant pool of a sweepstakes to win a chance to meet her on October 15th.

So, we'll see...

More than that, when you register you get your own page, where you later on you can create a vision board, upload a video and a profile picture (they have images you can use if you don't want to show your face.)

Here's the info, register! GO to Oprah. com

This is the original post on her blog:

The Life Lifter: Oprah's Lifeclass

Posted: Mon 08/15/2011 03:41 PM | By: The Editors

Comments

Everyone struggles with the big questions: how to discover what you were really meant to do (not what your family, circumstance or fear directed you to do), how to forgive and be forgiven, how to live your best life, no matter how your life changes.

Today, Oprah announced her return to television this fall, with a very personal project: Oprah's Lifeclass. Each episode will focus on a specific lesson that matters the most to her, using clips from The Oprah Show’s 25-year history. She'll explain what she was really thinking back then--and what she knows now.

The first one million people to sign up for the class will receive a limited-edition journal and can enter a sweepstakes for a chance to win a trip to Atlanta to meet Oprah in person.

The question: SO, what do you do? Your response: Um.....:)

2011-08-08T17:52:00.190-04:00

Everybody has a story to tell.
In a room of motivated entrepreneurs that fact, on its own, is inspiring.

A few months back, I went to a networking luncheon where the women at our table got a chance to share.

One woman lived in the Caribbean and has written three books on inspiring others to,yup, thrive in their lives and emotional and spiritual well being.Others have started businesses or have come through horrible divorces or illnesses. No doubt each of these women were success stories. Several women talked about how they get to help other women through their own chosen line of work.

Although the stories are inspiring and enlightening to me, most of us spoke for too long. I'm just as guilty! My own speech was a good solid two- three minutes and even though my story seemed to have the table captivated, (I told my story of coming through Susan's workshops and learning to sing again, after losing my voice due to abuse.)It still was too long!

Then one woman told us what she does.She told us everything we needed to know in: (drum roll, please!) just 30 seconds! She even asked us all what we thought of her delivery. We all applauded. Her story was like ours, concise and compelling, but she said it all in less than half the time.

That day I made a mental note.

If you want to share with someone about your work, whether looking for a job or just introducing someone to your service or product, its a good idea to take the time to craft an elevator speech. If we had each taken just 30 seconds, no one would have been left out and there would have been time to ask questions to each other. But just like good concise writing, a good elevator speech gets right to the point.In fact, the idea of the elevator speech is a short sales pitch designed to last the length of a 30 second to 2 minute elevator ride.

I need to write my elevator speech! I'll reveal what I come up with in a future post. But how about you? Here are some tips I gathered from information found on the web about
Writing Your Elevator Speech:

Remember an elevator speech is not about you, its about the needs of the person you are speaking to, the potential employer or client's needs.

Your speech should "wow" your listener. Use action words to describe your uniqueness and potential to add value.

Keep your speech to more than three or four main points.

Like any speech, practice in front of others. Practice in front of a mirror! Practice until the delivery sounds natural, not forced. Make eye contact and use vocal variety. You'll know you've succeeded in igniting a passion in others if you receive a question back and therefore invite further conversation about your product or service. Note: If you plan on memorizing your speech, you risk forgetting some part of it and causing a block. I know my story inside and out, but only because I have had plenty practice delivering it. Now I need to start working on my elevator speech.

A typical elevator speech should be just 30-45 seconds, no more than 60 seconds if possible. If you feel better jotting down key points on a prompt card to keep with you and review before networking opportunities, feel free.

Here's what goes into crafting your elevator speech;

Introduction: Your name/title/business
What You Offer: Demonstrate value in your service or product, how it can help this potential client or employer.
The WHY: importance of what you do and why what you offer matters and your competitive advantage and what sets you apart from your competition. This is where you show your passion.
Success Story:You could provide a story about how a customer was helped by your service or product, or a statistic of how many people your service or product has helped or in my case, I sometimes get to play a song live. Oh, the perks of being a musician!
Ask for Action: If you want to request action, do so. It could be as simple as asking to hand out a card/flier or brochure with more information, or take their contact information or I'm beginning to sell my songwriting workshops, so I need to ask if they'd like

On my facebook page a few weeks back, I asked fans to share with me what the project means to them. I was looking for sound bytes for some power point slides we were putting together to use in our future trainings and presentations.

Some additional resources:

Read How to Give an Elevator Speech

Why Your Business Needs an Elevator Pitch (Tips on How to Target Your Audience)

Still stuck? Try this:
Harvard Business School Elevator Speech Tool

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! https://www.facebook.com/purplesongproject twitter.com/PurpleSong

10 Ways to Build Resilience**

2011-07-12T23:43:00.006-04:00

“Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.”
Bern Williams

I opened a fortune cookie years ago that read:
"No need to worry! You will always have everything you need."

It was just a fortune cookie, a silly little paper inside an individually packaged crumbly low-cal cookie at the bottom of my empty Chinese take out bag. These words have become a silent mantra for my own emotional resilience.

In my life, I have often not received what I wanted but I've always received what I needed. The lessons and sometimes pain have helped me to grow as a human being.

Also, I'm in the entertainment business where there is a lot of rejection and so I have learned to develop a thick skin, and that's one type of resiliency.

Resiliency is defined as.
The quality of being resilient, the ability to bounce back into shape, position, etc.
the ability to recover strength, spirits, good humor, etc.

I looked up some quotes on the topic and found several. Here's my favorite:

"The oak tree breaks whereas the bamboo bends"

Nothing more clearly examples this quote for me and for my band what has happened the last few months.

After ten years with no major shakeups, a few months ago the seven-person cover band I sing with lost three of its members. The reason is still a mystery but it may have have been a lack of interest in some members to head in our new direction musically.

I'm still surprised there was no notice given. I've heard of musicians giving as much as 6 months notice of leaving. A singer we know in sister band of ours, found out she was pregnant but actually stuck around for several months to help find and work with her replacement for several months before going on her maternity leave.

There is no "I" in team.
We have one of our busiest summers ever and only half a band was left standing.

Our guitarist switched over to keyboards (he can play both guitar and keyboards,) we hired a new guitarist and as we looked for singers, I was singing songs I'd never sung before. Or as we'd give our fill in vocalists my songs to sing, I'd have to re-learn the back ups and on top of that learn brand new leads.

Songs that we'd done for years suddenly had to be learned all over again, different parts. From reaching out trying new people and working with fill ins, we all got to discover the wealth of talent that is out there and we've only grown in our group strength since each band member has only bended, out of necessity and in every possible direction.

So, how can resilience benefit a survivor?
Resilience is the ability to adapt with change and expect the unexpected. When life turns upside down and everything becomes uncomfortable we tend to want to go back to where we felt comfortable, even if it was dysfunctional and in our gut we knew we were wrong.

"10 Ways to Build Resilience"
The American Psychological Association suggests:

(1) maintaining good relationships with close family members, friends and others;
Try to schedule a coffee/walk/ lunch with a friend weekly if possible.

(2) to avoid seeing crises or stressful events as unbearable problems;
If you have to think in baby steps, journal, take deep breaths and accept loss and change as opportunities to grow into a better person.

(3) to accept circumstances that cannot be changed;
and remember if we bend, we won't break.

(4) to develop realistic goals and move towards them;
Baby steps...

(5) to take decisive actions in adverse situations;
Even doing nothing is a chosen action.

(6) to look for opportunities of self-discovery after a struggle with loss;

(7) developing self-confidence;
Ever heard the expression "Fake it till you make it?" It works!The more you do something, especially under pressure, the easier it becomes and you gain confidence for next time.

(8) to keep a long-term perspective and consider the stressful event in a broader context;
the big picture is finding the hidden lesson in sometimes the worst possible situation

(9) to maintain a hopeful outlook, expecting good things and visualizing these good things happening

(10) to take care of one's mind and body, exercising regularly, paying attention to one's own needs and feelings and engaging in relaxing activities
Two words: Self care

From presentations with technological problems to life's little mishaps, wouldn't it be great if we could all let problems "slide like water off a duck's back?" Would any of the tips above help you to feel resilient?

**Thank you for your understanding! Blog posts are normally published on Mondays.

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! https://www.facebook.com/purplesongproject or at twitter.com/PurpleSong

Happy July 4th!

2011-07-01T09:02:00.081-04:00

Summer's here, the weather is hot, celebrate!Whenever I think of July Fourth I immediately think of fireworks (and a paid day off.) :)

Until I looked it up on Wikipedia I had no idea that the fireworks

originated in China,
Ireland blasts fireworks at Halloween to keep away evil spirits
there are around 20 different visual fireworks effects and four different sound effects.

I'll never look or listen to a fireworks display the same way again!

What are your plans to celebrate Independence Day?

Remember this song? This catapulted Martina Mc Bride into stardom. Today, Martina is spokesperson for the National Coalition Against DomesticViolence.
Warning: the video is a lttle graphic, song and video are moving (don't try this at home!)

If You've Ever

2011-06-27T12:01:00.074-04:00

been moved to tears, joy, anger or another emotion because of a song you've heard on the radio, or have been transported back in time because of a song you've heard at a wedding, a party or even in the grocery store then you already know the power of song and how important songs can be.

Music used in movies or television shows dramatically heightens the emotion the viewer feels watching the characters. Try watching a movie or television show with the sound off sometime and you'll understand what I mean. It will just be images moving on screen with facial expressions and mouths moving like overdubs in a bad foreign movie.:D

Kate receiving the door prize at our recent Writing Songs that Heal
Songwriting Workshop: the Songcrafters Coloring Book, an arsenal of songwriting tips, written by Bill Pere

It is because music can invoke emotion that songs can be cathartic and when this emotional cleansing begins, so does healing. With any healing activity the more a call for personal self expression, the deeper the healing.

We had about twenty members at a recent "Writing Songs that Heal" songwriting workshop. The workshop was kept fresh and exciting with plenty of audience participation, interactive exercises and "sneak peeks" of new Purple songs as well as never-before-heard "old" versions of popular Purple songs to demonstrate the benefits how songs can change after they are constructively critiqued.

One activity that surprised me was when we played a song from a CD and I asked the class to take note of what emotions and images popped into their head as they listened.

When the song was over, suddenly the room began to debate what the meaning of the song was.(The song chosen for this exercise was Lily by Joan Baez. Click the blue link for the lyrics but basically the song is about a woman longing for answers to her best friend's past.)

I had NO idea this activity would cause such debate but was excited to see the power that song has to always communicate and sometimes invite controversy. Here's a snapshot of the debate: (I only filmed the floor and some feet for confidentiality reasons.)

The way a song could can bring people together (or tear people apart) and ignite excitement, emotion and maybe even hope. If music has the power to do that, what else will it have the power to do?

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com. Don't forget to LIKE us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/purplesongproject Thank You!

Music IS therapy!

2011-05-29T07:46:00.268-04:00

Last night I went with my husband and a friend of ours to see some local songwriters perform their music.

And each singer that night had me from the first note.

It happens nearly every time I sit it the audience of a live performer. The music and energy seem to go through me. The sincerity behind lyrics and the reasons the artist shares why a song was written reminds me of music's ability to move, stir up emotion and when called for, help in healing.

More than fifteen years after I jumped in college with the intent of being a special ed teacher I don't hold a degree as a teacher. Still, through leading survivors of Domestic Violence through songwriting workshops and writing my own very focused lyrics I still get a chance to heal and teach through music.

Even in the cover band I sing with I hear our audience tell me our music brings them back to wherever they were when they heard a certain song on the radio or the artist performing it live. Bringing a listener back to possibly a happier time in their life even just for a few moments, is probably healing as well.

And I am reminded why I love music.

Everybody knows that music is good for relaxation and stress management. Let's take it further.

A description states from the American Music Therapy website:

Music therapy interventions can be designed to:

promote wellness
manage stress
alleviate pain
express feelings
enhance memory
improve communication
promote physical rehabilitation.

I've heard it said that if we are going through a bad breakup to listen to songs about break ups.

If we are grieving a loss, listen to songs about grieving and healing from loss.

If we're feeling sad, listen to sad songs and if angry, listen to heavy upbeat loud music that either has lyrics and or the "right" groove and feel to help us think about and work through our anger.

Healing by processing our emotions through music.

The article Music Therapy Offers a Wide Range of Health Benefits mentions after WWII the veterans hospital patients who had regular musical visits improved dramatically after doctors implored the hospitals to hire regular musical therapists to aid in the treatment of the injured and sick soldiers. Music therapy has been going on longer than we might think. The first ever music therapy program was founded at Michigan State University in 1944.

Check out these sites to learn more about music therapy:
The Healing Music Organization excellent article on site What is Healing Music?

Music and Your Body: How Music Affects Us and Why Music Therapy Promotes Health

Music Therapy for Troubled Teens

Music Therapy Promotes High Self-Esteem in Domestic Violence Victims**

Treatment That's in Tune: A Study of the Healing Power of Music Therapy

Music Therapy For Healing

Like this post? Feel free to share it on your blog or social media site. Please give credit back to this blog and Vanessa Stevens and The Purple Song Project. http://www.purplesong.com Thank You! https://www.facebook.com/purplesongproject twitter.com/PurpleSong

Branching Out: Boston, MA

2011-05-15T15:57:00.002-04:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston


Vanessa with Mimi, (our new admin.) and Dolores.

On Friday we went up to do a presentation during the lunch meeting employees of Boston's family Justice center and related facilities. The Family Justice Center is a "one-stop shopping" for victims of Domestic Violence for on site counseling services, assistance with writing reports and restraining orders and other victim advocacy and even childcare for single mothers while they use the services offered.

Each center costs $5 million to build and an additional $6 million a year to operate, yet they have a low profile.

The first family Justice center was founded San Diego and while we could use one in every major city, so far I think there are only about five in the country.

To learn a little more about the centers read this recent article here.
We put out books and all our fun thriver items and each attendee got a CD at the end.

We'll be back in Boston again. As we had hoped for, our presentation was successful and we got a few more jobs out of it!

Is there someone in your life who is violent or controlling toward you? Have you been sexually assaulted, either by a stranger or by someone you know? Are you concerned that your child may have been abused?

If you need help, but don't know where to start, the Family Justice Center is here for you.

Book Review: Safe Haven Nicholas Sparks

2011-04-16T06:52:00.025-04:00

Safe Haven (Amazon Book Review- to read more Book Reviews of "Thriver Books" go here.

by Nicholas Sparks
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $12.99
Availability: In Stock
Go to Amazon site

The Reason I Picked Up the Book, April 14, 2011

This was the first Nicholas Sparks' book I read and I had seen only one of his movies so far(Dear John.) With research I learned Sparks is known as a romance writer and in this book he chose to write about the the darkest side of an unhealthy relationship: abuse, power and control.

Working in the field where related websites warn and inform the public with checklists of "Are you in an abusive relationship?" I love that nothing in the book refers to the subject. There is nothing on the jacket cover or anywhere in the book's summary. I don't know if that was done on purpose or if Sparks' marketing team thought that would chase fans away learning the book focuses on a subject that others "can't relate to."

I digress.

As a survivor now working with victims and understanding how "up and coming" awareness of the subject of Domestic Violence (emotional, physical, mental, psychological, financial, etc.) is, I admit I began reading the book with an "OK, Sparks, show us what you've got!" mentality. What he, in fact, "got" was the characteristics of a woman in fear of her abusive relationship: the hyper vigilance, the oppression, the low self esteem, the need to please her abuser (in this case, her husband) and her eventual need to fly away from a squashed freedom.

And so the story begins with an independent quiet young woman who calls herself Katie who shows up in a small town in North Carolina and starts life over. She moves into a quiet cottage on a dead end gravel road, takes a job as a waitress, fixes up her home, shops at a local market and meets the owner: a widower just a few years older than she. He's got two young children who lost their mother and bring out Katie's sympathy and own mothering instincts. The storeowner and Katie (wfose real name is Erin) eventually fall in love and the "wrench" is thrown in where Erin's husband, a detective, eventually does learn that his wife had used a fake ID to start her life over and just when things start to feel comfortable for Katie, just as she begins to believe she has managed to leave behind her old tragic life he finds her and tries to destroy the happiness and freedom she has created.

(***Please note: In my opinion, Sparks portrays (an unusually) strong victim in my opinion who does not seek out the services of an agency, and somehow she figures out how to leave on her own. I think this example could have benefited more victims and survivors reading this book, because sometimes we tend to internalize what we read. Sparks did capture the fact that it often takes victims much more than once to leave for good, he does show the protagonist flashing back to other times when she did try to leave and how unsuccessful she was.)

The author did a great job of painting Katie's (Erin's) husband to be a psychopath, completely justifying his lies and abusive actions before and after his wife left. This makes the villain completely hated! (Of course not all abusers are psychopaths.)

In Sparks' story, which has also sold the story rights to filmmakers to follow the fate of all his other books:) he's created a villain whose thought processes and actions instill enough fear in the reader to keep those pages turning as readers root for Katie and the safety of those she now loves.

Safe Haven features a supernatural twist at the end. I think it ties the story together nicely since the reader does eventually root for these co-protagonists of the novel to find family in each other since they have each been displaced in different ways.

The supernatural twist might also be a subtle nod from the author that the impossible and unbelievable can be achieved if we desire it enough. Still, Sparks' may be giving an example since Katie is forced to start over far away from her original home, the fact that over 50% of homeless women in the US are fleeing a violent relationship.

April is SAAM (Sexual Assault Awareness Month) & Child Abuse Prevention month

2011-04-01T13:30:00.036-04:00

To read the proclamation from the White House, scroll below. April is also National Child Abuse Prevention month.

(The awareness ribbon colors are teal for Sexual Assault and blue for Child Abuse.)

From the Biblio scribe .com site: According to statistics from the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), 44% of victims are under the age of 18 (roughly 110,000 cases in 2007), and 98% know their attackers http://www.rainn.org/statistics. Each day, as a result of abuse, three children die.

Harriet Cammock author of a brand new memoir Through the Fire, will highlight Child Abuse Prevention month by engaging with guests, on The Harriet Cammock Show, who have been abused in their formative years. It is the hope that people gain more understanding of what happens in the minds of victims and abusers, become more aware of abusive signs, and be in a better position to save a child from an abusive situation. Harriet provides resources and tips that include teaching your children how to get help, explaining to children that violence is never right, teaching children how to use language in lieu of abuse, and more information on detecting, deterring, and escaping abuse.

Also this month, Harriet will discuss the issue on radio shows across the United States, with a special guest appearance on a German-based radio show later this month. She will also attend, and speak at, a spectacular event at Livonia, Michigan’s Laurel Park Place Mall to encourage youth to read and author books. Hundreds of book writers, teachers, and role models will encourage children to overcome adversity by reading.

Who is Harriet?

As the mother of a daughter who watched ‘daddy’ beat ‘mommy’, Harriet is keen to the topic of child abuse. For an in-depth look at their life surviving domestic violence, read Harriet’s riveting account, Through the Fire, available on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, Smashwords.com, over 700 Barnes and Noble stores, and several other online and local retailers. The e-book format is available for download to Amazon Kindle, Barnes and Noble Nook, Sony Reader, and more. Amazon.com states, “one of the hottest new releases in the abuse category.”

What is Harriet's purpose? Through continual removal of silence, we can further decrease the number of child abuse victims. Removing silence means bringing the harsh issue to the frontline of conversations, using language that rallies people to do the right thing – stop hurting children. As we bring these rampant misdemeanors and misdeeds to surface, we will continue to lower the number of child abuse victims, well beyond the month of April.

For more about Harriet Cammock:
Contact Cassandra Allen, Bullhorn Gypsy at 856-313-0548
Visit http://www.bullhorngypsy.com
Visit http://www.harrietcammock.org

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

March 31, 2011

Presidential Proclamation--National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month

NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS AND PREVENTION MONTH, 2011

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

Our Nation must continue to confront rape and other forms of sexual violence as a deplorable crime. Too many victims suffer unaided, and too many offenders elude justice. As we mark National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, we recommit to building a society where no woman, man, or child endures the fear of assault or the pain of an attack on their physical well being and basic human dignity.
Despite reforms to our legal system, sexual violence remains pervasive and largely misunderstood. Nearly one in six American women will experience an attempted or completed rape at some point in her life, and for some groups, rates of sexual violence are even higher. Almost one in three American Indian and Alaska Native women will be sexually assaulted. Young women ages 16 to 24 are at greatest risk, and an alarming number of young women are sexually assaulted while in college. Too many men and boys are also affected. With each new victim and each person still suffering from an attack, we are called with renewed purpose to respond to and rid our Nation of all forms of sexual violence.

Sexual assault is considered to be the most underreported violent crime in America, and criminal justice responses vary widely across our country. Some communities have developed highly trained, coordinated teams who understand the nature of sexual assault and can respond with compassionate understanding. In other places, victims hesitate to report these crimes because they fear the criminal justice system will respond with skepticism or fail to bring the perpetrator to justice. We must ensure our police, prosecutors, and courts treat victims with the seriousness and respect they need and deserve. We must do more to provide services that help victims recover from the trauma of sexual assault. And ultimately, we must prevent sexual assault before it happens.

Under Vice President Joe Biden's leadership, my Administration is committed to engaging a broad spectrum of Federal agencies and community partners to prevent sexual assault, support victims, and hold offenders accountable. The Department of Justice's Office on Violence Against Women is leading the Sexual Assault Demonstration Initiative to improve the way sexual assault survivors are served. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is funding innovative prevention campaigns that engage bystanders in reducing sexual assault, and the Department of Education is working to combat sexual violence at schools and universities. We will continue to support new approaches that show promise in changing cultural attitudes toward sexual violence and preventing these crimes.

Each victim of sexual assault represents a sister or a daughter, a nephew or a friend. We must break the silence so no victim anguishes without resources or aid in their time of greatest need. We must continue to reinforce that America will not tolerate sexual violence within our borders. Likewise, we will partner with countries across the globe as we work toward a common vision of a world free from the threat of sexual violence, including as a tool of conflict. Working together, we can reduce the incidence of sexual assault and heal lives that have already been devastated by this terrible crime.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim April 2011 as National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. I urge all Americans to support victims and work together to prevent these crimes in their communities.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of March, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

BARACK OBAMA

Elin Stebbins Waldal, author of Tornado Warning

2011-03-22T07:29:00.003-04:00

“I can no longer stay quiet in this world, I have a voice and I feel it reverberate off my internal walls, making its slow climb upward until its melody can be heard all around.”

--Elin Stebbins Waldal

IN Video: Elin Stebbins Waldal discusses the reason she is Liz Claiborne's Love is Not Abuse state action coalition leader for California and inspiration for her writing her teen dating violence memoir

I first learned about Elin's new book oh, maybe three weeks ago. It just came out February 1 of this year, just in time for Dating Violence Awareness month. And she says the book series Twilight is what triggered her. I read and loved the book series as well but I am now an adult, a young one albeit but not so much an impressionable teen and I enjoyed the books EVEN THOUGH THE TONE was one of obsessive love. Twilight is and will always be a great story but there were examples of stalking, isolating, abandonment, love on condition, lying to cover up a boy's activity and even a kind of "do whatever I say or else" power and control.The Twilight series was praised up and down for its non sexual romance but nobody seemed to take into consideration that a boy being there when you wake up in the morning and standing waiting outside your front window
What about in the second book/movie when the wolf girl-- a human-- admits to having been scratched and now has a hideous scar on her face from her boyfriend turned wolf and she stays!!! What does that subliminally tell teens? That abuse is OK. A one time incident and OK.

NO!! Maybe in Stephenie Meyer's novels yes but in real life if a boy or girl hits (or scratched you) you run, it will happen again!! It will.

Elin was apparently triggered by these stories and as a parent of pre-teens she was inspired to write her own story to demonstrate how obsessive love can become something much worse.

Elin's website is packed with resources for teens, parents, links to other organizations and even a readers guide for discussion afterwards.

Her Blog talks about the "Frog in the Frying pan" analogy I've used before. A Johns Hopkins University study centuries ago revealed a frog that jumped into a pan of water stayed even as the temperature heated up, acclimating its body temperature each time until the water turned so high the frog was boiled to death. That's very much the psychology of abuse: we don't know its happening and eroding our self esteem and personal power until we are "in hot water" and at risk of it being too late to get out.

As Elin puts it, there is no abuse on the first date.

In fact, she invites others to talk about their experiences. Talking and bringing our issues out into the open is the best way to work our problems out. As I learned from my own experiences, keeping my secret was the worst possible thing I could ever do! Not talking about the problems in our lives especially the ones we are ashamed of or embarrassed about (and why? there is nothing to be embarrassed about that happened... nothing is your fault.) -- Remember, abuse thrives in silence! So, I encourage you to SPEAK OUT so others can know they too are not alone.

Here is Elin's Call to Action.

What do you think? Violence Recovery Music. YES!! This needed movement is beginning!!

2011-03-01T12:34:00.004-05:00

I just came across this wonderful young artist named Claudia Lee. The star of the Disney television sitcom "Zeke and Luther" just released her hit single, "It Gets Better:" in November of last year and is currently working on a full album.

I've always thought that Domestic Violence Awareness is becoming a new even, "trendy" cause, possibly like Breast Cancer was years back. I don't mean to compare, there is not much fair comparison (except breast cancer can happen to guys, and that comes with severe emotional and psychological adjustments in a man admitting he is being abused, like a man having to admit he has breast cancer.) Still, I get a very strong feeling more and more people are turning their heads towards the public health epidemic of abuse and this awareness will in turn create change in our society, here's hoping.

In Claudia L ee's you tube video which I've included below, several causes are brought up, not just domestic abuse.

From the Online PR News site The song entitled, “It Gets Better,” features lyrics that support gay youth and anyone who feels out of place or ostracized for being different. The video for the single depicts images of real people in real situations – from a homeless man to gay couples to teens and other minorities.

In the lyrics, there is mention of bullying (A young man holds a sign that says " Nice guy" and a teen girl types into her computer "Nobody will friend me." (I assume she's talking about friends on Face book, since that's where I think the the term "friend me" comes from!) and later images of that and suggestions of family abuse. (One girl holds up a sign that reads "Daddy, please don't hit mommy." and later a young boy that says "I don't want to be afraid." But there are issues tackled such as gay marriage (both sexes,) military soldiers, elder emotional abuse (a man holds up a sign that reads "I am not useless.") and even an overqualified job hunter who cannot find a job. All these issues tackled in one video and song alone is justified, more people will relate if they see themselves and "It Gets Better" is certainly a wide statement anyone can benefit from hearing anytime.
Enjoy the video and song! ~Vanessa

"It Gets Better" Lyrics

Answering a Fan Question!

2011-02-28T11:26:00.005-05:00

Every so often I get a question from a fan that comes in over at my fan bridge account, an email service that helps me to keep in regular contact with my fans. I decided this question was one I truly thought other fans could benefit from so I asked his permission to publish it here on my blog.

Question:

I've known and seen severe abuse in my time. It somehow has made me stronger. Would you say that you are who you are today because of what abuse you have experienced? Has it been our trial by fire?

What a great question! I believe it is our trial by fire and not something necessarily that has to define us for the rest of our lives but I would say what I am doing today is because of the abuse I have experienced and have watched so many others experience. I have again been inspired to write a song, here are some of the lyrics:

"Only Way Out (is Through)" (first draft lyric)
C. Vanessa Stevens The Purple Song Project

Ask me if what I've been through
has made me who I am today
ask me if what I've seen has made me see things differently
you've figured me out I suppose but I'm not hard to read
What I've learned from trial by fire helps me succeed

You tell me that you understand cause you've seen hard times too
I know what I need and I need to know if what you say is true
you feel like you're stronger today than you ever were before
all that you had to do was choose to open the door

Chorus:
and the only way out is through
only way up is once you've hit the ground
choose to journey through
or just walk around the issue

I've learned holding onto a secret will tempt the very part of me
that's honest and human and not used to doing forbidden things
When its like my heads underwater when I'm gasping for air
heavy burden divide and conquer and take me nowhere.

(Ch)But the only way out is through....

Presidential Proclamation--National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, 2011

2011-02-01T18:50:00.002-05:00

President Obama Proclaims February National Teen Dating Violence and Prevention Month

A lot of teens experience relationships for the first time, so it is a prime time to educate them on what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. I have always been fascinated by teens for so many reasons. Teens hold our future in their hands. Teens have a lot of energy and a lot of ideas. Through adolescence, teens are in emotional and mental turmoil already learning and discovering what makes them tick and then love (or something like it) sets in.

We are making strides. Two years ago, teen dating violence awareness was only observed and talked about for two weeks in the month of February. Now this whole month is dedicated to the observation and activism of teen dating violence awareness and prevention.

(from the http://www.loveisrespect.org)

February 1st, 2011

President Barack Obama talks with British Prime Minister David Cameron during a phone call in the Oval Office, Dec. 21, 2010. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

Today marks the start of National Teen Dating Violence and Prevention Month and this special month was started off right by none other than the president of the United States! Yesterday, President Obama made it official by issuing a proclamation highlighting the importance of this awareness month. In his address, President Obama explained why teens were a crucial audience for this message of healthy relationships:

“Adolescents in controlling or violent relationships may carry these dangerous and unhealthy patterns into future relationships. The time to break the cycle of teen dating violence is now, before another generation falls victim to this tragedy.”

President Obama also discussed the resources available to teens and parents to find more information. We at loveisrespect are pretty thrilled that he mentioned us. He also references the dating abuse info provided by The Department of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women and dating abuse info provided by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Both are great places to find additional information. President Obama gave these words to inspire us in the upcoming month:

“During National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month — and throughout the year — let each of us resolve to do our part to break the silence and create a culture of healthy relationships for all our young people.”

Read the full proclamation here. How will you participate in NTDVAPM?

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

2011-01-17T14:30:00.008-05:00

Human trafficking

2011-01-11T17:25:00.001-05:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_trafficking

One of the groups I have spoken for and have volunteered my time for the past year The Soroptimist's Women's organization, is focused on solving and raising awareness of the problem of human trafficking.

A friend of mine, a fellow Soroptimist member recently posted a note of this on her facebook, and I learned that today is the national awareness day for this epidemic.

What is human trafficking?
Wikipedia defines human trafficking as the illegal trade in human beings for the purposes of commercial sexual exploitation or forced labor: a modern-day form of slavery.

Child abuse! Children are being sold and exploited right here in our country, even our state!

Trafficking is a lucrative industry. It is now the fastest growing criminal industry in the world.^[5] Globally, it is tied with the illegal arms trade, as the second largest criminal activity, following the drug trade.^[5] Human trafficking usually affects women and children^[6]^{[not in citation given]} The total annual revenue for trafficking in persons is estimated to be between USD$5 billion and $9 billion.^[7] The Council of Europe states, "People trafficking has reached epidemic proportions over the past decade, with a global annual market of about $42.5 billion."^[8]^[9] The United Nations estimates nearly 2.5 million people from 127 different countries are being trafficked around the world.

To read more, click here

January is Stalking Awareness month.

2011-01-06T11:52:00.294-05:00

Have you ever been stalked? If so, you already know the terror and hypervigilance you may have felt and anger that you might feel. Stalking is a form of psychological, mental and emotional abuse and stalkers seek power and control over their vicitms from a distance. As in preventing any kind of abuse, awareness is key. January is National Stalking Awareness month and Stalking Awareness month.org is, in my opinion one of the most helpful internet sites on this crime.

Stalking is considered a crime in all fifty states. If you have five minutes, you can read more about it here.

You can update your social network while informing the community at the same time by choosing a daily status from this page.

http://www.lifescript.com/Soul/Self/Growth/10_Signs_That_You_Are_Being_Stalked.aspx

Stalking is no laughing matter. but this post here is more about Martha Stewart than stalking.
How to tell if you are being stalked by Martha Stewart

Be safe friends and if you like this post make sure to subscribe to future posts! Thanks Vanessa

Happy New Year!!

2010-12-31T23:55:00.002-05:00

Some good tips as we head into 2011:

1. Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things.

2. Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.

3. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Don’t think that somehow you should be protected from misfortunes that befall others.

4. You can’t please everybody. Don’t let criticism worry you.

5. Don’t let your neighbour set your standards. Be yourself.

6. Do the things you enjoy doing but stay out of debt.

7. Don’t borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones.

8. Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities, grudges. Avoid people who make you unhappy.

9. Have many interests . If you can’t travel, read about new places.

10. Don’t hold post mortems. Don’t spend your life brooding over sorrows and mistakes. Don’t be one who never gets over things.

11. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.

12. Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy.

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850-94

Another great list from The Happiness Project London
and another one from A Gift of Inspiration

Some quotes (in the new year) to make us think:

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right.

--Henry Ford

A new year's resolution is the kind of thing that goes in one year and out the other!

-- (anonymous)
but

If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else.

--Yogi Berra

My personal favorite:

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

--Eleanor Roosevelt

Wishing you all all the BEST in the coming year!!

~Vanessa & The Purple Song Project

In 2011, Don't be a stranger!

to follow us on facebook

to be alerted of upcoming shows & events (enter your email @ top of page)

to join us on twitter

Visit us on our main webpage: http://www.purplesong.com/

Natural born story teller? Some lessons on public speaking

2010-12-29T21:25:00.003-05:00

One week before the December 7 speaking event I met with Carol Harnett, the TED X Simsbury host and co-chair and Jennifer Keohane, Business Outreach librarian and TED X Simsbury co-host to run through all of our logistics, equipment, sound check and the talk.

At the end, I heard an unexpected but pleasant phrase from Carol, a writer and speaker herself.

"You're a natural story teller, because you are a songwriter."

I've been studying speech delivery for about a year now and art of storytelling and never realized how the craft of writing songs could help!
I want my stories (and of course, songs) to move and engage my audience. Why? Human emotion longs for and pushes us towards thriving. We've all survived loss or change in life somehow. Thriving is essentially that place you come to when you have surpassed the survival mode and are "living well" despite the circumstance once faced.

Three things I learned from my TED X experience and my study of storytelling:

Begin strong.

I wanted to teach statistics and facts about abuse I learned from my days in counseling, but was told they would easily be easily forgotten by my audience if I had begun my speech with this dry information. Instead I was advised to begin with a song and then then mention the date I lost my voice. My statistics were incorporated into the story and told in sequence as I learned of them while in counseling. These small swaps made the speech that much more compelling.

to view more photos of the event on flicker thanks to Dom Piccini productions

Since I was trying to cover a span of ten years in under twenty minutes I still may have confused my audience some but that may go back to my original written speech. This article helps here.

Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.
It felt funny practicing in my living room to an imaginary audience, the weeks and days leading up to the event but I was willing to do whatever it required to perfect my delivery.I've used this power of visualization--imagining how I want a performance to go before it takes place-- many times to prepare the "show" pieces for my band.

In the book author J. Lyman Macinnnis, author of The Elements of Great Public Speaking says rehearsing is the best way to become familiar with your material and determine how it actually sounds. This allows you to identify and eliminate words you have difficulty pronouncing, helps you determine pacing and where pauses will be most effective. Macinnis also says the only way to accurately time your speech is to rehearse it. Through rehearsal, I learned I'd have to cut down my twenty-eight minute speech to meet the strict TEDx requirement of eighteen minutes.

Finally, learn from the experts.
Since my speech, I've been watching other TEDx presenters. Benjamin Zander's energy and charisma totally blew me away on his passion for classical music and zest for leadership and life!

One of the TEDx Simsbury speakers, Kathy McAfee, "America's Marketing Motivator" has agreed to meet me for a coaching session in January. I sent her my original written script and she will give me pointers to keep improving my presentations. Kathy is the author of Networking Ahead for Business and several articles on the subject of networking, marketing and speaking. I am looking forward to hearing her feedback and expertise.

We learn best from doing. I look forward to more opportunities to perfect this skill of sharing my message-- this message of violence recovery and thriving-- with more live audiences.

Out of darkness

2010-12-23T12:01:00.003-05:00

Recently, I did my first official TED presentation in Simsbury Ct. TED is a world-wide live speaking segment that invites others to talk about "ideas worth spreading." I am proud my project is considered such an idea.

TO get people to really see the "light"at the end of the tunnel, you have to lead them down into the tunnel first and so I did what I HATE to do, tell the "victim" part of my story once again and share intimate details about the physical violence, just the physical violence.

I didn't bother to give any examples of psychological abuse that always precedes the physical--I mean, would a person of high self esteem let themselves be physically abused? Probably not. I did not include that even after counseling I got myself into more abusive relationships but I eventually learned to get it "right" as I found my self, self esteem, my place on this planet and all that stuff.

I'll be the first to tell you getting it "right" does not happen overnight, friends, it is a lot of set backs along the way... but I promise it is possible. Remember this when you think of giving up in the dark days of your recovery.

I took advantage of the resources available to "battered women" and healed and made something good, no, something GREAT come out of it all. Because singing and music once represented pain and abuse, I stopped singing for awhile but since singing and music is my gift, I found my voice again.

Now every time I sing there is a new joy, I have found a tool not just to sing cover songs (though that is a lot of fun!) but to compose and share original music to help survivors be guided and find music that speaks directly to them as they face their healing.

If you're curious you can watch the video below... its eighteen minutes long so at the very least please enjoy my song "Guided (The Journey Song)" in the beginning. Lyrics for Journey Song

Our NEXT speaking engagement!

2010-11-26T21:35:00.001-05:00

Vanessa scheduled to speak at Ted Women conference

On Tuesday, Dec. 7 Vanessa will be one of several presenters, presenting some live music from The Purple Song Project, also discussing the story behind the project. This event, called "Reshaping the Future" is currently sold out but there is supposed to be a live stream.

Champions meeting other champions!

2010-11-22T15:09:00.004-05:00

Vanessa & Senate-Elect Richard Blumenthal. 1st Annual Interval House's Breakfast with Champions, Simsbury Ct I GOT MY PICTURE TAKEN W/BLUMENTHAL!! :)

Around 7 am on Wednesday of last week, I arrived at the grand building of The Riverview in Simsbury and looked up. The sky was gray, rain was squeezed from the clouds and there was an early morning gloom hanging in the air, or at first so it seemed.

As I entered the grand marble floored entrance, someone offered to take my coat and I walked down a long highway that opened into a large room with a high ceiling and hundreds of gold painted chairs surrounding round tables with elegant place settings. (If you've never been to the Riverview in Simsbury, one of four other locations thoughout Connecticut owned by the Elegant Banquets company, it's an elegant place with large windows, crystal chandeliers and all the grandeur of a fancy wedding or gala.)
"Brighter days ahead" was the metaphor one speaker used to describe this election and the hope in the audience' eyes that our new Senate Elect will make strides in Washington, with the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) being rewritten in 2011. And also for what Blumenthal has done here in CT with the chairing the Men Make A Difference:Men Against Domestic Violence campaign in partnership with Interval House.

And it couldn't have been a more perfect time to suggest that metaphor, as I noticed the clouds cleared and the sun poured into the room, giving the mirrored centerpieces and crystal chandeliers even more sparkle than they had before.

It was nice to be there in this special setting. I felt priviliged to meet and congratulate Blumenthal in person. But where do I feel the most proud? Its in knowing that when I take off my irridescent purple button down shirt and my black vest and pea coat, I am the same women who chooses to dig deep and get my hands dirty in the trenches where victims and survivors are hiding out waiting to be lifted.

A 2nd Evening of "Thriver" Spirit and Song...October 20,2010

2010-11-16T22:21:00.045-05:00

Following the success of the first book release/signing back in April, one of the boards I serve on (Ct-ALIVE the Connecticut Alliance for Victims of Violence and their Families) held a meeting in June to set up the next event.

Sirens of Thriving: (L to R) Donna Gentile, Cecile Enrico, Susan, Vanessa(founder The Purple Song Project) & Kate Callahan

"Ok we've made it through the book release. Now let's start bringing this book out into the world," former attorney, current published author, friend, mentor and a woman I have worked closely alongside for many years Susan Omilian (and the board's project director) said.

So we began planning for the next major book signing event, where Connecticut politicians would be invited and the general public would start celebrating and honoring the success stories in Susan's workbook.

Such an amazing event publicly unveiling Susan Omilian's The Thriver Workbook: Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver and honoring Cecile Enrico of Interval House!

L to R: Fox 61's Sarah French, Thriver award recipient Cecile Enrcio, Exec. Dir. Interval House, Susan Omilian, Rosemary Padin Development Dir. Interval House, Mary Jones(WDRC AM radio host All That & More)

Our first honoree? Cecile Enrico, Interval House's Executive Director, one of the founders of Interval House, (the Domestic Violence Center in Hartford.)

signing Cecile's Award photo

Sarah French (Ct's Fox 61) and
Mary Jones (The Mary Jones Show- WDRC AM) emceed.
Dr. Bill Petit (Petit Family Foundation) was a guest of honor.

Unexpectedly, I also publicly played "Maggie's Song" LIVE for the first time! Invigorated from the performance of the newest song of the project, I thanked Susan for always pulling us out of our comfort zones. It was interesting looking out and seeing Dr. Petit and others reading my lyrics as I sang, especially the chorus of the song "You were not given the chance to be everything you wanted in life..." I could only imagine what thoughts were going through the Dr.'s mind about the dreams taken away from his daughters over three years ago. "Life ended suddenly, and you left a legacy..."

My friend Kate Callahan (right) played her original songs about thriving as well as Donna Gentile.(left)

Mary Jones mentioned that I was "off to the casino" to play with my rock and roll band The Happening (thanks, cool mention!) and since I had to scoot out of there early I missed out on the rest of the evening's festivities. Imagine how cool it felt when I spotted images of the event flashing on a television screen above the bar in the casino.

I'll be "cheezball"a moment, but maybe this is what thriving is: finding the miraculous in the mundane, excitement in the everyday and a series of patterns in what used to be considered just coincidence.

I like this expression on Sarah's face!

Happy Veterans Day!

2010-11-11T04:00:00.001-05:00

In honor of Veteran's Day my friend Donna posted this video and original song co-written with Nashville recording artist Carrie Johnson.

My friend, whom I have known for many years, has many artistic talents and is actually the graphic designer behind our friend Susan Omilian's The Thriver Workbook, its companion CD and related other products and I've hired her to design the graphics on my first CD. The other part I love about Donna is she also writes for change. Here is a song she recently shared with me (and her fans!) to honor the Veterans.

If you are interested in hearing more about Donna's mission and music, go to her official music site.

My friend Donna Gentile performing:

Autumn is a time of change and reflection...(A Repost)

2010-11-07T14:22:00.140-05:00

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower." ~Albert Camus

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring." - George Santayana

(Spanish born American Philosopher, Poet and Humanist who made important contributions to aesthetics, speculative philosophy and literary criticism. 1863-1952)

Much of what occurs inside of us when we are healing can be related to the changing seasons of nature.

Sometimes we're hardened and cold like winter and we pause our healing, sometimes we're in transition like fall, other times we are healing full speed ahead, hot and fluid like summer and we seem to have our life together at last. Then there is thriving, the "after recovery" where our lives are like springtime and we can accept the warm breeze, are grateful yet never take for granted the more frequent sunny days, knowing and accepting that the next day could be the much needed rain to cleanse us again, to remind us there are still bad days and they are only temporary set backs.

****

Over the summer, I was asked to do my first show for teens at the awesomely cool teen hangout the Epoch Center in East Hampton, where kids learn to express themselves though all forms of art. Susan Omilian, (author of The Thriver Workbook) and I were asked to put together an event to teach kids about thriving. We called the event THRIVE,which stood for Teaching Healthy Relationships, Independence, Validation and Empowerment.(Read more about the event in June and see pictures here.) Our intent, as I think most adults who choose to work with youth is, that in teaching teens about healthy relationships can help make them aware of the importance of mutual respect and prepare them how to recognize and steer clear of trouble (abuse) before they are older.

As I often do, I chose to write a song for the THRIVE event that the teens could relate to.Though I wrote it with the teen audience in mind, whenever I play this song live I see (adult) heads nodding! The song is about the resistance sometimes we feel before admitting something is wrong in our life, before we take the first step to admitting, then seeking outside help.

I will post the lyrics here now and in a by next year the song will be available for digital download, so check back.

Here's "Changes!"

“Changes” By Vanessa B. Stevens, (c.) 2010 The Purple Song project

Today my life turned upside down

A challenge I'll have to face

So tell me what am I supposed to do now?

I don't like losing my place

I was so far ahead or that’s what I thought

But I am being thrown-head first back to start

I don’t like these

Changes

coming over me

Changes

do I see

The higher I climb, the harder I’ll fall

I don’t like these changes at all

I used to look for others to blame

for my mistakes and my troubles

sometimes I’d cheat so I could win every game

until the game board crumbled

My finding fault in you is no way to live,

these changes are making me sensitive

And I don’t like these

Changes

coming over me,

changes

do I see

The higher I climb, the harder I'll fall

I don’t like these changes

at all

Bridge:

I don’t have to like it and I can’t control what happens inside as I grow

If you ask me I’m not likely to say

I want my world to stay the same

These old habits will not easily break---

I guess its up to me

to make the choice,

Up to me to make that change,

I guess its up to me, oh yes its up to me, I know its up to me

its up to me

To make these

Changes

coming over me,

changes

do I see

The higher I climb I hope, I pray I won’t fall

I don’t like these changes

at all

New song! Honoring Maggie's legacy!

2010-10-18T13:37:00.004-04:00

Every artist, I believe, has someone in their life who inspires them to keep on "keeping on."

For me this person is a 19 year old popular college student named Maggie Wardle who was shot and killed on a Kalamazoo College campus in Michigan many years ago by her ex-boyfriend,who then shot and killed himself.

After the incident, so many questions were asked.

What prompted him to murder and commit suicide? How did he sneak a gun (I think it was a rifle) on campus? How did he even purchase a gun with only a campus address? Why was he so possessive of Maggie and why did he want to take her life and his own?
And...Were there any signs or warnings to others before the tragedy occurred?

You can learn more about Maggie's memory and legacy here.

I could have been Maggie, and several women I know could have been Maggie. What happened to Maggie could have happened to anyone. Maggie's story and now this song is another tool I will use in the colleges.
Special thanks to Dan Hocott of Gabriel Recording Productions for co-writing and adding additional guitar, other instrumental tracks and producing and mixing this at his studio*

"Maggie's Song" (c.) 2010 Vanessa B. Stevens/Dan Hocott
*To listen , find The Purple Song project on Facebook, I will also post on myspace.com/purplesongproject

One cold October morning
Your name made the news
The news shook the campus of Kalamazoo
Time stood still

Many stood in silence
Minds were numb and confused
Shocked at what anger and violence could do
Nobody knew

You had no idea that your life would end
You were only trying to be a friend

Chorus:
You were not given the chance to be everything you wanted in life
You took your chance on your dreams but never saw those dreams take flight
Life ended suddenly but you left a legacy
Oh, Maggie

Never any warning from his dark and despair
He called on you Maggie knowing you had to care
He brought you there

Shots that rang out
After some kind of fight
Your life was taken that horrible night

Who do we blame when love turns to hate and how do we stop it all before its too late
But its not too late..

Chorus:
You were not given the chance to be everything you wanted in life
You took your chance on your dreams but never saw those dreams take flight
Life ended suddenly and you left a legacy Oh, Maggie
Oh Maggie

Tag:
Grieve not, nor speak of me. Don't hold back your tears but
laugh, and talk of me as though I were still here
I were still here....

Speaking to the Soroptimist-- Our first official speaking presentation!

2010-10-15T17:20:00.004-04:00

About a month ago, my heart jumped with excitement when members of a local chapter of the Soroptimist Club (an international women's organization) called and invited me speak about my project in an event they hold every 2 years or so, in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month. (read article in post below) What an honor!

After two weeks of preparation, when I arrived in the restaurant's banquet hall the woman I had spoken with on the phone many times smiled brightly as I gave her a hug and complimented the sharp jacket she wore. "It's purple in honor of your project." she said.

I looked around the room and noticed several women wearing purple. How very cool. Not just in honor of my project, I wanted to say, but to wear purple in honor of Domestic Violence awareness month!

We all munched on pizza and mingled. My husband and I set up, I laid out my scrap book of past events we've done in the project, some info about my local women's center, the My Avenging Angel workshops, and schedule cards for my awesome R&R band.

I began the night giving DV 101 which quickly became a question and answer session where I handed out purple Hershey kisses for answers.Then came time for my presentation and I told my story and interspersed it with music. I realized something again.

I hate telling my story!!

I hate telling the the dark parts about how the abuse snuck in to a seemingly perfect relationship between two musicians who sang love songs to each other in public.Its the details of the abuse that would serve to drag down the energy in the room.

For my audience, a trip into that dark place was necessary for them to understand where I am today.To witness, through hearing my story, the transformation from victim to survivor to thriver.

A singer since I was five years old, and often a "star singer" at that, I was shocked into silencing my voice after our breakup because to me singing/music=pain, suffering and oppression. In my recovery, I rediscovered not only who I am but my voice returned, and like me it is more powerful than ever, taking back this life and claiming my place on (and off) the stage. Today I sing with one of the best local bands ever and I have found a unique way to give back to society through original music.

Music is, for me, the curse that again became a blessing.

I am an example that after abuse anything is possible because after abuse comes thriving. Had anyone that night heard of women thriving after abuse, or could begin to define what thriving is? Many in the room shook their heads no. So I had them guess (and gave a prize to whomever was closest) and the winner said, "feeling free and like you can do anything."

I said that's pretty close.

just me:) I like that the motto on the banner says "Live your Dream"

A thank you gift and handwritten thank you letter says:"...Your presence at our Domestic Violence program is special especially since song is incorporated in the healing and awareness process."

Donations accepted for shelter.

Live speaking planned

2010-10-10T08:37:00.002-04:00

Purple Song Project Planned

Published:Voices Newspaper, Middlebury, Ct

Wednesday, October 6, 2010 7:05 AM EDT

MIDDLEBURY — Soroptimist International of Greater Waterbury will host the Purple Song Project: Hope, Healing and Awareness of Domestic Violence Through Song, from 6 to 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, October 12, at Juniper’s Restaurant, 1383 Whittemore Rd.

The program will feature a talk about Safe Haven of Greater Waterbury, an emergency shelter and resource center for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and a performance by a singer/songwriter who volunteers her time there.

Safe Haven maintains an emergency shelter for women and children in Waterbury, an office and counseling center in downtown Waterbury and a satellite office in Southbury, which serves women from suburban towns.

Safe Haven will sponsor a candlelight vigil honoring victims and survivors of domestic violence at 6:30 p.m. Thursday, October 21, at St. John’s Episcopal Church on the Green in Waterbury.

Soroptimist International is a service organization for business and professional women who work to improve the lives of women and girls in local communities and throughout the world.

In 1994, Soroptimist International of the Americas formally adopted the prevention of domestic violence as a major focus.

The Greater Waterbury chapter is offering this program in support of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

All those interested in issues surrounding domestic violence are invited to attend, as are women interested in learning more about Soroptimist International.

There is no charge to attend, but donations of travel-size personal items such as toothpaste and shampoo for the Safe Haven shelter will be welcomed.

Those planning to attend are asked to RSVP by Monday, October 11, by leaving a message at 203-828-8666.

3 Ways Men Can Fight Domestic Violence

2010-10-07T08:25:00.002-04:00

“Increased visibility and open discussion are perhaps our most important weapons against the 'shameful secret' mentality that enables abusers. Having men speak out is especially powerful in reinforcing that violence is not an acceptable way for 'real men' to behave.”
Dorothy K. on seeing the new Interval House/FoxCT PSA.

Interval House is a Domestic Violence center based out of Hartford, Ct. They are also are one of the originators of the Men Make a Difference, Men Against Domestic Violence campaign launched by Interval House with Attorney General Richard Blumenthal as its chairperson and Founding Father.

Below are three ways men can get involved in the fight to end violence against women:

White Ribbon Campaign It is now an international effort of men and boys working to end violence against women. Its basic principle is the importance of men and boys to speak out against all forms of violence against women. In Canada, the campaign is run from November 25 (the International Day for the Eradication of Violence Against Women) until December 6, Canada's National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. Other countries support 16 Days of Action from November 25 until December 10 but campaigns can occur at any time of the yeaa national campaign to remind men to speak up if they think their sister, best friend, mother, daughter or any other female in their life is being abused.

Coaching Boys into Men is a nationwide media campaign put forward by the Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF) which encourages men to teach boys that violence against women and girls is wrong.

Read a A Call to Men by Anthony Porter

The above list is not to suggest that all men abuse women but rather that there is information out there written for men to educate themselves and be a part of this cause. Also I am aware there are men who get abused, and abuse is not always physical. Many of the Domestic violence centers and shelters only have capacity and resources available to help women. There are some books and organizations that will help men, (I will include in a future post) though I think there is only one center for abused men in the country so far.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month!

2010-10-02T14:55:00.000-04:00

Presidential Proclamation for Domestic Violence Awareness month

Check your local Women's center for activities to help bring awareness to the community. Candlelight vigils are a moving touching remembrances to the fallen and celebrations of survivors.

9th ANNUAL HOPE OUT LOUD PEACE/ARTS FESTIVAL

2010-09-20T02:43:00.039-04:00

Yesterday was the festival, in beautiful Bushnell Park, Hartford, Connecticut....

and this year PURPLE SONG PROJECT was asked to co-host at the coffeehouse portion along with Gale B. Gardiner aka "Fortune's Gale!" (at right, playing the auto harp)

The weather was warm, the sky sunny for most of the day and the grass was green in the park. It was a day to learn about organizations that help make the world a more peaceful place, for listening to influential people speak on the main stage ,to walk around the tables and learn what others are doing to spread their own message and for thinking about just what peace and justice means to you.

The day began and ended with a drum circle, like a heartbeat pumped into the festival, giving it life and setting the pace (and pulse) for the day. As Gale and I were setting up, the continuous rhythm in the distance soothed and calmed me. As co-host I opened the coffeehouse with word of my project and sharing The Journey song (There is Hope,) inspired by Mary Oliver's poem The Journey. Much later, I lead the audience in a moment of silence, then joined Bill Benson and Fortune's Gale on Halleluiah, and invited the crowd to sing along with the chorus.

Some of the featured artists today:Kay Pere Fortune's Gale, Roseanne Krzanowski, Eric Paradine, Bill Benson, Donna Gentile (w/daughter Kira joining for one song,) Bob Raymond, (on Facebook) and Faith Montaperto.

Check out Kay's jewelry! (handmade pottery) I bought a pottery pendant that says SING.

Started after and because of September 11, 2001 (9-11), the folks who put on the Hope Out Loud festival believe that a peaceful world is possible. Some also are in opposition of war. Gale having been the co-host of the coffeehouse for the past three years invited me because the of the unique niche of my music and the message of peace it carries:

When there is
peace in the home,
there is
peace in the soul,
and
there is peace in the world.

Coming Soon!

2010-09-12T15:22:00.048-04:00

http://www.thethriverworkbook.com

Another celebratory evening...

featuring music by

Vanessa & The Purple Song Project
Donna Gentile
Kate Callahan

and honoring:

Cecile Enrico, Executive Director of Interval House Domestic Violence services Hartford, Ct.

*Free admission, food and beverages.

5:30-7 pm Lyceum Conference Center, Third Floor

The Lyceum is located at 227 Lawrence Street, Hartford, CT 06106

Thriver workbook and artist CD's will be for sale

Remember....

2010-09-11T01:59:00.002-04:00

Quotes to make us think

2010-09-04T12:00:00.014-04:00

"Liberty, taking the word in its concrete sense, consists in the ability to choose."
Simone Weil

"Freedom is the oxygen of the soul."
Moshe Dayan

Busy? or Productive...

2010-08-03T15:30:00.119-04:00

I don't think the question is so much " if" we're busy, but the "how" we stay busy.
Some of the biggest time killers in my life are transitions from one type of work to another type of work (such as day job to writing) in and out of interruptions and sudden shifting tasks. I work outside of the home, so part of my day is devoted to writing and there is always the phone ringing or an email message. There's physiological reminders like hunger, thirst or even wanting a nap. And vision planning.

The Chinese proverb goes:

Vision without action is a day dream.

Action without vision is a nightmare.

We wear our business like a badge of honor. Someone asks "How's life? and the expected (and acceptable reply) is "Oh, you know... Busy!" But while busy looks like we are headed for success, we're not always on the right road. We speed down the road past the orchards so we can stop at a greener meadow.

Being productive is the "busy" we want to be. Its productivity that bears fruit.

" Being Busy" is the subject Christina Katz asked her e-zine subscribers to write about this week. I picked up the book How Did I Get So Busy? by Valorie Burton. In it she says there's little time to be here in the present because we are so focused on what needs to be done next....thinking about ten minutes or even ten days into the future. If we have a clear idea of where we are heading (our Vision) then to that I say "Full Speed Ahead." In the book Valorie compares being busy versus being fruitful (productive,) being successful vs. feeling fulfilled and overflowing with opportunity versus being overrun with activity.

When our lives are overflowing with activity (and not overrun with activity) we find lots of chances to do what we love and can become an expression of who and what is important to us in our lives. When we are over run with activity we have too much to do including stuff that takes us away from who we are. We feel fulfilled and derive an inner joy when we live and work in a way that satisfies us emotionally and spiritually. And we are truly productive when we are effectively accomplishing what matters most to us.

I'm still reading the book and its set up as a chapter for each day (I'm two days behind!) Still, thanks to the book I've decided to check email once a day, maybe stick to social networking only once a day- maybe night time? and lay out paperwork and files needed for a project in a designated spot in my home or office to get right back into whatever project I am focusing on and start and stop work at the same time each day, with one day off on a weekend each week.

Why " Something to Believe In?"

2010-08-01T10:35:00.001-04:00

I've been re-evaluating this blog's purpose and effectiveness. For more than a month, I've been connecting with other bloggers and writers and gathering ideas about what purpose I want this blog to serve as an extension of my Purple Song Project. I hope to meet others who might want to join me on this journey!

Here's what I want this blog to be:

A community for other writers/artists in general, especially those who with a desire to use their art to make a change in this world.
showcase any of these artists who wish to get the word out about their own projects using the "Fast Five" interview questionnaire
a place where I can describe my own journey of writing songs for the project
a fun and inspirational glimpse into the "how" these songs are created
a resource of links and other interesting sites for survivors of Domestic Violence
a resource for others interested in using art to help heal themselves or others
general daily or weekly inspiration for anyone, especially with the "Quotes to Make Us Think."

About the new title:
I believe everyone has a song in their soul and a reason to express themselves through art or blogging or just reading others sharing their experience and passing it on.

"Something to Believe In" is also the name of one of my most popular songs (fondly known as "The Cinderella Song.") Read more about that song or to see lyrics. Though my music usually speaks to women I find several men who come up to me after hearing the song and say they needed to hear those words.

Abuse is as common as rain (An idol of mine, Cici Porter said that once) and anyone who has survived any trauma in their lives becomes disenchanted and may be searching for something to believe in.

My own project has been evolving as well. One CD has evolved into two. My connections with other songwriters seems to have sparked an interest to explore the subject of Domestic Violence Awareness through their music. Also, I never thought I would be bringing the songwriting workshops into women centers to show them another way to express their former pain and express themselves through writing songs.

The background design may change again as I have been speaking with a graphic designer who may be able to make this blog the most effective (and attractive) yet!

Quotes to make us think

2010-07-29T20:13:00.006-04:00

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
~Anaïs Nin, Diary, 1969

An Unlikely Meeting

2010-07-24T15:43:00.464-04:00

As fans of my band are learning about my Purple Song project and fans of my Purple Song project are learning about my band, an unlikely meeting took place a couple Fridays ago at a band's show. On a break each band member exited the stage but I returned to mess around with some of my percussion equipment. I was kneeling on the hard cold floor and rummaging through my gig bag when I spotted an older man kneeling in front of me.

"Oh! I spurted out then smiled, always polite to my fans. "Hi!"

"Yep, I just want you to know I enjoy your band. I've been following you guys for some time now." His tone sounded sincere but he didn't smile. Instead his eyes pierced me with a sadness and he went on to explain.

"My wife is a member of the one of those womens groups you belong to. Now I don't know what you all talk about in that group but we'd been married many years and after she joined that group she decided to leave me." I was shocked but stayed to listen. He had my attention.

" You seem like a really great girl and are extremely talented. I hope you never find yourself in the same situation my wife was in."

I was confused at first. Did he mean an abusive situation? Before making any assumptions or trying to convince this man his wife would not leave just because of a group, I needed him to clarify.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"My wife claimed that I abused her and she left me after joining one of the groups you belong to and you seem like a good talented young girl and I just hope none of that ever happens to you."I, I... just hope you find a good man."

He went on to tell me there were years of verbal abuse he tolerated (from her) and he still doesn't understand how this could seem so one sided, that he was the one to blame.

At this point one of our band members walked on stage. In years past I would get angry and silently steam wondering why someone would have the nerve to eavesdrop on my conversation but tonight I was grateful. Later this band member would report that he caught an uneasy look on my face and came on stage to investigate. As a tightly woven team of musicians, each band member tries to look out for one another. This member seems to always be on the lookout for danger especially towards a female band member. Once when a drunken audience member went around telling everyone I was his girlfriend and then tried to embrace me on stage, this same band member yelled loudly into the microphone, "Hey buddy, get off the stage!"

Its not every show that there's harassment. Once in a blue moon.

Credit: Fotosearch

Tonight the moon must have been some shade of blue, because here was a man I have never met before (chances are high I never met his wife either) kneeling in front of me at a band show vent with me about his personal issues. Was venting all he wanted?

I told him thanks for sharing with me and for coming to see our band. I knew it was not appropriate to cause a scene, not this time. This man wasn't overtly threatening me and just wanted someone to acknowledge his perceived victim hood.

I told him I was sorry for what happened to him and he thanked me.

We both stood up. He winced at the stiffness he felt in his knees. I wished him well. He mumbled "you too" and walked out of the bar.

It still surprises me I did not see the man in the crowd until we were face to face for our meeting. I never saw him before the show when I mingle with and get to know my audience a little. I never saw him when during the show I am right up front and usually get a good view of the audience. No, this man just seemed to appear right after the band's first set. It seemed he dropped down from the sky, a messenger.

The next morning, the odd conversation still fresh in my head, I knew I needed to talk to others. Though I had a pretty clear idea what exact group this man's wife was a member of, I decided to use the following week to contact the heads of every womens group I've ever worked or volunteered for. I wanted to run the incident by them. I was sure I handled it right but it wouldn't hurt to hear that from the pros.

I called my local DV center. I phoned the heads of all the womens groups. I consulted other band members, friends, family, professionals, other performers. Everybody listened and validated me.

"It could happen to anyone.It's common sense to be aware,"some band members said.

"We all look could out for each other and we all could use protection." I declared, feeling a bit defensive.

Considering that circumstances were neither the time or place to talk to me as this man did, overall I think I handled it correctly. I was not angry, just on alert and careful to avoid being defensive or taking sides. I took the time to listen to the man and validate his side of the story. I let him know I do know there are non-abusive men out there. Of course there are. Just as there are non-abusive women.

It only took about fifteen minutes that night for the man to deliver the message he intended. Did he get what he came for? I think he did, although I still don't know what exactly he came for.

For comfort?
An ear to hear his plight?
Did he want to lay down a message: "I know about the cause you support."
Or was this just one way of convincing himself and at least one other person that he never did any wrong?

I'm not saying whether I believed him or not, because it is not my place to judge. But I was told that abusers (male or female) will often seek out sympathy and take on the role of victim so that they will not have to accept responsibility. It's a big part of what continues the cycle and denial.

I do wish this man the best and I wish his ex-wife the best. I hate the fact that she decided to leave him but that was her decision. To her there was a reason.

Empowerment means Believing

2010-07-20T14:15:00.002-04:00

If you've stopped by this blog within the past couple of months you'd know I do my best to write from a writing prompt given by Christina Katz, a writer who I have come to know and trust and continue to learn much from, starting with her book, Get Known Before the Book Deal and continuing with The Prosperous Writer weekly E-Zine, where I find these prompts. This week, we are asked to describe feeling empowered in our work.

I aspire success in three genres of art: singing, songwriting and writing. I continue to pursue all three crafts because along the road I have become empowered to continue.

I wanted to share with you a story about how I began to feel empowered as a writer. Growing up, I struggled academically in almost all of my classes.Even though I was far from an honor student, clumsy in gym and a "dunce" in math, I was pretty proud of the fact since grammar school I competed in every spelling bee known in our state. I had a gift for language and by junior year was placed in Advanced English. It was a very strange feeling when my teacher called me up after class one day after I handed in one of my assignments.

"How could you do this?" she scolded, her hand wrinkling the corner of my report as she shook it and looked at me with disgust. "Why would you do this?" "Why can't you hand in original works?"

"What?! I asked, totally confused.

"This writing is too good, I want to know where you copied it from!"

I remember I wanted to laugh I was so excited. I wanted to cry because I was shocked and I didn't know how I would win this argument. My own teacher thought I had plagiarized something to get an "A" when in fact I knew I had written it myself! She was eventually convinced but I never forgot that experience. Both horrible and wonderful, that is one of several memories continuing to empower me to believe I can be, among other mediums, a writer.

There are many facets of writing I love: the editing (believe it or not,) the blank page, the cramped fingers, the feeling of never quite being done and when not physically writing there is still brainstorming as I drive or shower or work on the other crafts. I love the struggle that comes with creativity and then the feeling of having written, having created.

Christina says examples of empowerment can be found in the experience and stories of successful writers and authors. Stories from experience having weathered the storms, learned discipline and good boundaries and persistence despite self doubt and uncertainty that comes with the territory of choosing to make a living as an artist.

In fact, there is something I've been thinking for the past month is changing the name of this blog from "Healing and Awareness" to "Something to Believe In." Why? Because this blog is a place where I invite those who practice all forms of art. I believe that healing and awareness can be done with art. The pursuit of our passions gives us something to believe in and as we work and showcase to the world our chosen craft(s) we empower others to do the same.

Outrage...

2010-07-14T23:09:00.080-04:00

If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag. ~Author Unknown

(Warning: This is a different kind of post, I'm venting a little!)
I recently researched the Mel Gibson case.Time and again I read that domestic violence is a "situation" that will be soon resolved in someone's personal life. Chris Brown mentioned he had learned a lot following his assault on Rihanna and is "looking forward to resolving this situation." (read last year's post about Chris Brown and Rihanna.)

Got news for you. Domestic Violence is not a "situation" or a one time incident but a circumstance and once it begins it becomes a steady and worsening growing pattern of power and control that intensifies, cools and repeats.

I'm irritated that some people feel the need to control others lives and or everything around them. To these abusers: You don't need to abuse someone else to have power and control over your own life, and that's all its about: not love, not hate, not punishment, just the search for power and control.

The beauty of life is we are given choices that are for the most part in our control. Life is hard enough to manage without trying to manage someone else's! I am speaking not to parents but to grown adults and teens who feel the need to control other's lives. I am speaking to people who like to bully others to raise their own self esteem. I am speaking to those who feel the need to abuse- just stop it!

Back to the Mel Gibson case, I am so grateful this article was written.

Alcohol had something to do with Mel's behavior but it was only an influence, not an excuse and certainly not a reason for the domestic violence. Alcohol only intensifies the tendency to abuse. The actual violent behavior was already in him, the substance (alcohol) created in him the "want" to abuse. Its confusing but there is a clear distinction. Plenty of abusers (men and women) abuse sober.

Thanks for reading, Phew! Sometimes it just feels good to get all that out. That's the awareness part. Thanks for allowing me to step up to the soapbox and podium for a moment and to share my views with you all.Now back to posts about the art and healing.

Artists are integrated

2010-07-12T22:47:00.003-04:00

I think all artists have to practice being integrated.

In her ezine, Christina Katz says integrity means "the quality of being complete or undivided." Does that mean committed to one thing in particular, whether it be our art, our career or both?

A lifetime ago, I worked for a small company that hired me first as the front desk receptionist. Within two months I became an administrative assistant and a year after that I worked closely with HR. In a meeting one day I learned why they chose me to handle the confidential papers and discussions. "That's because you have integrity," my boss said. "We trust you."

As I grew in all of my positions Lord knows I made a hundred mistakes but I took my job seriously, kept honest personal reflections of my progress and just stayed stuck like glue to the company. I took few sick days even when I was sick and used the money earned from added up vacation days. That was not the best thing to do, but I was only 25 and still quite naive, (not to mention a perfect candidate for abuse, especially because of my integrity or rather loyalty at all costs, but that's for another post.) At the time, I did not have a clue what integrity meant, but I felt it was something good for the company.

Today I realize the importance of having integrity in our lives. In my case it's my commitment to a particular cause. And I express my commitment through my various art forms, music and writing.

I have always been the type to keep many "eggs" in many "baskets" my entire life. I have maintained my integrity towards making ends meet, financially or otherwise.

Now there is having integrity and being integrated.Those two terms can relate. Having integrity means we seek out and find ways to integrate our passion or career with our daily lives.

One way of being integrated is to find variety.

For me, pursuing passions that are similar keeps enough variety. Besides performing solo, I perform cover songs in a rock and roll band. Besides writing songs, I write fiction and blog posts and other web copy.

I would probably not maintain my focus if these hobbies were too varied. The best part about integrating these different art forms is one influences the other. For instance, I find my songwriting is filled with more detail and imagery thanks to my fiction and other writing practices.

Being integrated means combining or coordinating separate elements as to provide a harmonious, interrelated whole. Christina says "We can integrate our passions with our professionalism and still be practical."

When we have integrity for our art and careers, we find successful ways to integrate the pursuit of our passions with our daily lives.

I love that Christina also says: "An integrated person is going to create an integrated career or an integrated career can assist a person in becoming more integrated the rest of their life, and its unlikely that you will find one without also finding the other."

Here's a summary of what I think it means to be integrated:

Being integrated is achieving balance in our life's pie.

Being integrated is having more than one hobby or kind of hobby and being willing to explore different mediums in art to keep our minds sharp and our boredom at bay.

Being integrated means we learn how to balance our time.

What do you think being integrated/having integrity means?

Pictures of THRIVE (Trust, Healthy Relationships, Validation, Empowerment) event

2010-07-07T18:21:00.002-04:00

Last Tuesday Susan and I took part in a series of workshops planned for teens aged 13 and up, held at the very cool Epoch Arts Center in East Hampton, Ct. It was a fabulous time. Teens are fun and I'm always amazed by their curiosity to learn and willingness to take part in esteem building activities such as this. After leading the "ice breaker" activities, Susan and I introduced ourselves and talked about what we do and why we chose to be there. I did some music sporadically to demonstrate what our speeches were about. There were more workshops and at lunch I played lots more music. I thought it would be cool to learn a Justin Beiber song just for the teens but quickly learned from the kids that he's the type of pop act you either love or hate, like NKOTB (remember them?!) was for me at that age. Well, at least the other songs went over great and I am invited back there to lead in the fall to lead the teens in a songwriting workshop...

Celebrating our Independence. Red, white and blue...

2010-07-04T09:34:00.003-04:00

and PURPLE!

Happy Fourth of July!

(photo credits istockphoto)

Fast 5 Interview Questions with musician & activist Gale B. Gardiner

2010-07-02T22:54:00.023-04:00

photo credit: Larry Bilanski

Are you an artist ? (musician, writer, singer, photographer, painter, etc, etc.) interested in using what you do to help others heal?

Besides talking about my own project, I want to help spread the word about yours! To be featured just answer these "Fast Five" simple questions below about you and your project and send to Vanessa at info@purplesong.com. Attach a jpg if you would like your picture included. One interview is published each month and I will read and respond to each submission before your interview is published.

This month's featured healing and awareness artist is Connecticut musician and activist Gale B. Gardiner. I met Gale, a mutli-talented musician, through the Connecticut Songwriter's Association and by chatting with her at her acoustic shows and song critique sessions. She is a gifted singer, songwriter and composer who also plays guitar, piano and the auto harp. )

Here's what Gale writes:

Yes, I'm an artist (musician/singer/songwriter/composer) recognizing the music given me is from 'above' and some responses to it have confirmed healing impact. My song, "Love Will Always Find You," was shared with a rowing friend whose son committed suicide. My friend listens to it when having a tough day and it helps her feel better. One woman heard me perform "Warm Salty Hug", a song I wrote while in Maine, at a Hope Out Loud coffeehouse. She told me the song made her cry because her fiance who had died recently had shared summers in Maine nearby where I wrote the song. She laughed through her tears as she told me he was a DJ and knew he had somehow requested that song for her. Most recently I've transposed "Beltway Gospel Blues" (on Timeless Love CD) from piano to autoharp to accomodate requests at benefit venues without pianos (e.g. Haitian orphanages/quake victims) The song is renamed: "Healing Gospel Blues".

1. What inspired you to begin this project?
Inspired by music that followed me back from Croatia ~1998 (after their war in 1990's)-the beauty of creation that is their land/coast, contrasted with the threshold of conflict that erupted into war, followed by hope of finding love & peace again is the center of the Dalmatian Suite's three movements (core of next CD Welcome Home).

2.) Whom do you hope to reach?
My hope was to have benefit concerts for orphans (from that war). Soon after I realized I didn't want to limit it to the cause of orphans (sometimes parental death due to substance abuse, war, auto accidents, domestic violence, etc.) I want to reach out to anyone whose struggling with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from experiencing the effects of all kinds of life 'war' (national, relationship, dysfunctional families, tragic accidents.) I want also to reach out to their loved ones yearning for a healthy relationship with them when PTSD makes it difficult. 1 in 4 may suffer from PTSD and that there is hope for healing for themselves or friends/loved ones.

3.) What is your ultimate goal. How much money do you hope to raise? Where do you see your project in 5-10 years?
My goal is to significantly contribute to the overall healing of PTSD in war veterans or victims/survivors of physical, emotional, sexual abuse. I'd love to see money go into a curriculum developed for Jr. and Sr. High schools to prepare students for inevitability of exposure to trauma.

4. Where can we learn more? (Include your sites, links, etc.)
I compiled a 2 page info/healing article "Eight Steps to Complete Healing of PTSD" and have shared it with Susan Omilian (attorney and author, The Thriver Workbook) after seeing her workshop flyers a few years ago, and others as God guides. For example, a CDC colleague speaking at 1st anniversary of 9/11, Gulf War Veteran research biochemist who thought it could be adapted to civilian victims of the Iraqi war & did share with a friend's daughter molested as a child & friend compiling a book of survivor's stories).

If anyone wants to receive these 8 steps to Complete Healing of PTSD, they are welcome to contact me at fortunesgale@hotmail.com
My music/newsletter/schedule websites are www.cdbaby.com/cd/galebgardiner2 and www.myspace.com/fortunesgale

5.) Anything I haven't asked you'd like to tell?
The man who photographed me above, Larry Bilansky, is WWUH DJ for 20th Century Limited (Contemporary Classics) & hosted me on his program June '08 featuring the Dalmatian Suite. He asked when it would be further developed and said he would have me back.

His compare/contrast interview resulted in some 'world premier' versions of some of the associated music & I realized it could result in a full length CD (almost done), also using recordings from the Women's Composer Festival of Hartford (invited to perform in the 8th, 9th & 10th just this Spring). He said he'd like to see the CD released in the Wilde Auditorium at Univ. of Hartford immediately after his interview (his show is Fri. 4-7 pm in the same building as the Wilde Auditorium!)

I'm happy to keep Vanessa posted on dates as they are decided with CD completion expected this summer.

(Note from Vanessa: I can let you all know when Gale's CD is out or you can also check Gale's sites for more info.)

Thank you Gale!

Are you an egg polisher or an egg layer? Finding your Creative Rhythm

2010-06-27T17:35:00.053-04:00

photo credit: istock photo

Not too long ago, I came across a video interview with Meg Cabot (Young Adult author best known for Princess Diaries.) I first learned about the author when Amazon Vine Program offered me a free book to read and review called Insatiable (another Vampire book- this time for adults)

In once again answering the inspiring Christina Katz suggestion to write about rhythm, I decided to talk about the rhythm we choose to create with.

So I'm going to continue the topic Meg Cabot mentions in her video below.
There are two types of artists: an egg layer and egg polisher.

An egg layer is someone who lays the eggs and moves on to lay more eggs
An egg polisher is someone who sticks around, admires the egg, polishes it and doesn't get around to laying the next egg.

So, what are you?

What am I?
Neither?Thankfully, I have always held several eggs in several baskets.

How?
Financially.Ever since I've held a job its always been more than one. Either one full time and one part time or several part time jobs.

Emotionally. I've learned not to expect too much so I won't be disappointed but I will openly express a lot of gratitude for the wonderful things that do come into my life!

Psychologically. I've always been warned not to have a "Plan B" career because that's what I'd fall back on, but I've had to exercise a the patience of a saint, the work ethic of an ox and the stubbornness of an elephant to stay with "Plan A."

I'll admit, most of my life I've been more of a polisher until recently. I've often stood back to admire my work and if you do too there is nothing wrong with that, except you just may not be as productive as you can be if you were an egg layer. Produce! Today I'm much more motivated so I've been putting in a lot more hours on my work and pushing myself further.

In a lot of ways I really don't have the time anymore to stand back and polish those eggs!

Here's Meg's video:

Artist Dis-satisfaction

2010-06-25T23:06:00.008-04:00

"You Can't Always Get What You Want..."
(Rolling Stones)

Author Christina Katz's topic last week is about being slightly dissatisfied.

Artists can't rest on our laurels.

Photo credit: Ed Mang

We can't be thinking we are ready for publication on the first or second or seventh draft. A newly inspired song is not ready to be played out upon its conception. Poems are not meant to be shared with the world when first written as these drafts sometimes can be at first too cathartic, overly saturated with emotion and self-expression. Christina advises, "Its best to turn a critical eye toward our own work, not others...honor the dis-satisfaction."

Invite dis-satisfaction (in our own work,) honor it and ask how it can help us improve our creations.
"...If you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need..."

On occasion our writing will come out ready and hardly needing little if any revision but that is rare and sometimes takes an act of trauma. Author Meg Cabot claims at one point she wrote a book in ten days when she wanted to stay focused and not have to deal with the tragedy of 9/11/2001. She and her husband were living in NYC at the time and her desk was across from a high rise window. After the tragedy struck she said she needed to focus on anything else and so retired to her bed, away from the window and into her own mental retreat. But I've already said that is rare and today she continues, like most authors, to have to revise her books.

Three Ways our Dis-satisfaction helps readers (or listeners:)

We create more concise blog posts or any web content. This results in easier reading and better flow of ideas (writing.)

2. We create pleasing melody and rhythm (songs.) This results in clearer communication.

3. We show respect for reader/listener by carefully choosing when (time & place) to put the art out there.This results in the artist showing respect for his art by honoring the crafting process.

It has been said that despite hearing their songs on the radio, polished for listeners, some songwriters still think something could be sung differently or new words can be used.

Is it the same way with novelists and nonfiction book authors? Is this the prime reason for the dreaded editing process? If not ours, someone else's dis-satisfaction with our work will eventually lead to a perfect or near perfect product.

So does all this lack of satisfaction lead to us becoming workaholics?

My father, a retired professional graphic designer turned cartoonist (and self proclaimed workaholic) says there are no mistakes in art. Is workaholism a symptom of fulfilling our hearts sole (and soul) desire?

Maybe dis-satisfaction allows us more time spent on improving our craft.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder perhaps completion is in the eye of the tired artist whom, having struggled with the piece long enough, fought the editing or songcrafting process and put enough finishing touches that the piece begs to be done.

Completed.

Well... for now.

Quotes to make us think

2010-06-22T08:50:00.002-04:00

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.
-- Tori Amos

(above photo credit)

About music:

I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music. -- Billy Joel

If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out LOUD.
--Emile Zola

Do writers ever stop writing? Do artists ever stop creating?

2010-06-18T20:06:00.068-04:00

With our newly placed deadline for September to complete our first full CD my head has been spinning.

A lot.

I began a writing a book of the how and why of this project and for at least twenty-five minutes each day in addition to writing songs. Yep. Then there have been the occasional TV and radio interviews for the project doing music alongside Susan Omilian's book signing events and plenty of activity with the rock and roll band I've been singing with the past six years. In addition to all that I produce others web and writing content and teach weekly classes at a local women's center. Don't get me wrong, I do love keeping busy and it is hard to get bored loving what you do. Its just proving to be a busy summer!

With a four month deadline looming its time to force feed the muse and keep focused more than ever.

Here's some of what I'm doing to keep focused:

I hired a local writing coach to keep me on task

combat writers block simply by keeping my other projects by my side to take out as soon as "the block" sets in.

take a daily walk. Its nice here in New England (its summer!) We do use our treadmill as more than just a hanging spot for wet clothes but I find being in the sunshine and fresh air helps to clear my head and brainstorm for a project.

set daily standard limits such as: For writing, I'll set an oven timer 25 minutes a day minimum. I'm most productive at the computer near the kitchen its in a sunny spot with our Keurig nearby. The agreement was one completely edited scene to my coach the last Friday of each month. As for the songwriting, I can sit down and say "OK, I am going to write a song." although the words don't come so easily... so I have to be gentler with the muse and serenade her with my existing melodies and half written songs so that new melodic inspiration comes through eventually.

I often wonder if I should be recording every facet of my life and struggles and triumphs with creating? There must be some time I can step away from the computer and put down the pen to do other things, right??

Is there such a thing as a break for writers, who are still brainstorming even when they are not physically writing? Then a post comes along that most of us artists, (writers especially) need to hear.

Being Ready for What We Can't See

2010-06-13T17:12:00.010-04:00

One of my personal goals for each week is to answer the Christina Katz writing prompts, featured in her weekly ezine, which consists of these prompts or 52 Qualtities of Prosperous Writers. I am happy to answer these prompts because:
a.) they get me writing!
and
b.) they help me focus on important topics to think about as I grow this project.

So this week's topic is about being a visionary. "Be ready for what you can't see, when you are busy envisioning your professional future." Christina says. "Perhaps not everyone is meant to be a visionary. Or perhaps everyone is...what do you think?"

I know how powerful the mind is and that what we see is very often what we get.

I use visioning techniques every time I prepare to go on stage. I see myself saying and singing and doing, then I do it. Seeing what I want to happen helps to make a dream become a reality. The mind imagines and the body follows, but only as far as we believe.

I believe that we all have the potential to be visionaries.

For example on guitar, five years ago I could not see myself playing outside of my own living room. But I've taken baby steps to surpass that limited vision. First I saw myself practicing and writing and singing these songs confidently. Then I began playing live in coffeehouses and at open mics. This pretty much goes for every reality I wanted to create for myself and I believe we all have that power.

If we are all meant to be visionaries perhaps there are two types: those who envision great dreams for themselves and others and those who naturally possess or learn to possess certain qualities that help carry these visions into reality. Christina mentions some qualities below.

Visionaries are:

brave in general
unafraid of criticism
pro-active
process appreciative
good communicators
constantly fine tuning how and what they communicate
not that concerned with pleasing naysayers
more creative than people who just go with the flow

I have two more items to add: confidence and patience. Perhaps confidence, an empowering way to see and believe in our futures is a part of being unafraid of criticism and not concerned with pleasing naysayers. Patience is an important part of appreciating the process, which visionaries can best put into practice with a strategy of some sort. Baby steps is the best way to go because we can act brave and fierce most days but no matter what its easy to feel overwhelmed and we freeze in the middle of long strides.

Speaking of strategy, since deciding to charge full speed ahead (my first full CD of the project is due in September.) There is a book by Kaira Sturdivant Rouda called Real You, Inc. that helps women entrepreneurs to discover their ideal entrepreneurship based on who they are. I've been thinking about doing her exercises and charting my discovery along with readers at this blog. I love the Real you chart.

Quotes to make us think

2010-06-08T09:12:00.001-04:00

Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them.--Marilyn Ferguson

If you're able to be yourself, then you have no competition. All you have to do is get closer and closer to that essence.--Barbara Cook

(credit, can stock photo)
The greatest thing is, at any moment, to be willing to give up who we are in order to become all that we can be.--Max De Pree

Commitment and everything that goes with it....

2010-06-07T17:05:00.001-04:00

(photo courtesy, fotosearch.com)
Author Christina Katz asks us this week to write about comittment.

They say writers live twice.

I take that to mean observing everything that goes on around and inside of us. Since commiting to express myself with words as an songwriter and writer, each day feels like it has more weight. Beyond financial worries and bad days where it feels like I have done enough dreaming I find it helps to "check in" each minute. Every experience I have I am taking mental notes, asking, "How will I write about this later?"

Similar to the HALT counseling strategy (ask yourself if you are you feeling tired, hungry, angry, alone?) To observe our emotions is a matter of committing to self care. Doing so helps us to make changes in our behavior to feel better.

For writers and anyone who uses their words to express themselves, observing is required. How else can characters develop believable real person qualities unless we are taking note of those qualities and quirks?

Even the characters portrayed in songs need to be believable, so that listeners can relate.

Besides daily practice, reading books on the subject, joining writing groups I do all these things, but the best strategy I've learned is to listen and watch outside of myself. Make the moments and hours double and days and months last to really observe fully.

Then make sure to write it all down.

Like our new look?

2010-06-06T11:15:00.065-04:00

I spent most of this morning searching for a new look for this blog. I thought of what I want it to offer our readers I'm assuming you want what the music offers: hope and healing soooo...

I thought about changing the header. Found a real soothing image of an ocean scene, with waves lapping at the rocks and seagulls resting. But then I thought what a great idea to have that be the theme and header for my next project. If there is one thing I have learned some of the best projects are planned on paper in advance, then published.

Someday I'll pay for a customized header, (used to have the one used on my main site .) For awhile I had a black background but I think heavy reading on black background can get to be way too harsh on the eyes. White was too blah, where's the personality??!

So I'm once again with the yellow background. I think this will be helpful. I kind of like the yellow/purple combination but even did some research on what's behind the psychology of yellow.

Yellow is the color of optimism, joy and intellect. It inspires communication,which is what I want this blog to inspire. Or at least a new way of looking at life, if you're a survivor or an observer.

I put some work in at the other blog too and am thinking of perhaps cross posting between here and there. That blog features some song lyrics as they come and info about my songwriting workshops.

I hope readers will enjoy the pale yellow background and something about the way purple goes with yellow...
Oh, I am also looking for a way to make it easier to comment here on blogger, without signing over your life.

I do feel more inspired to post more often and that's what blogs are for, right?

See you soon!

Fitness challenge

2010-06-04T09:23:00.003-04:00

I recently came across a blog by a writer who is inviting everyone to a fitness challenge.

No better time to start it than June, the start of summer and the time for us to want to be outside and enjoying the sunshine and warm air. Thanks to Amy at WritingHerLife.com for the idea!

For years I thought I didn't have time to exercise. If I had a hard enough time finding the time and energy to write (anything- songs, blog posts, articles or even escape with the fiction!)

Now I realize when exercise is scheduled in I feel good, more inspired and motivated. Before I know it I find and make time for other activities: writing, songwriting, practicing guitar, exercising. I only have to schedule in ten or twenty minutes daily to keep my practice up and since you can't be fit without eating right (eating bad food slows me down) I've learned to drink more water and herbal teas (good for the voice) and eat more vegetables and fruits.

A former sugar addict, whole foods were too bland for my taste. But I realized sugar would make me crash after a very unnatural high. I believe every addiction has a psychological reason behind it and mine was that food was comfort from abuse-- I was truly an emotional eater!

Sometimes I wonder if some emotional eaters subconsciously seek to create a "cushion" maybe around their bodies. A woman I recently met, a survivor of childhood incest began overeating until she was so overweight her perpetrator was repelled enough to leave her alone! Since she's been out of the house, grew up got married and now has children of her own she has gone back to her original weight (she's naturally very slender) eats healthy and runs everyday.

Being aware is the first step in changing any pattern. It took awhile but I've learned to cut sugar out for the most part and stick to healthy sugars such as fruits and light or plain yogurt, since dairy has natural sugars. Now, the less I have sugar, the less I want it.

Are you up for the Fit 'N' Healthy challenge?

2010-05-31T20:49:00.000-04:00

~Happy Memorial Day to all those who served our country~

Been working on another post will not be up until tomorrow!

Please note: we're shooting for new posts every 2-5 days normally, sometimes the ideas flow......
See you again!

I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way...

2010-05-31T16:28:00.001-04:00

(Jimmy Cliff)

Retreat Part II

Author Christina Katz says,

"So reminiscent of our discussion of boundaries last week, clarity asks you to get clear on where you stand, how you feel, and what your instincts are prompting you to say and do."

At a recent women's writing retreat, fifteen of us gathered in the conference room at Mercy Center in Madison, Ct. after breakfast for our first writing exercise of the morning. The sun shone through the grand windows and voices bounced off the vaulted ceilings. When it was time to quiet down we were asked to jot down our intentions of the retreat. My intentions were in fact to come away with some clarity.

With the salty breeze and the bright blast of sunshine it seemed I would. Up in the clearing between the retreat center and the beach it was fun to spot the family of brown bunnies bouncing across the wide green lawn, the busybody woodchuck and the happy seagulls, sparrows, robins and squirrels surrounding the property. (There was even a skunk that decided to spray into the retreat house late one night!)

Being so close to nature is one of the best ways to find clarity.

Next we were asked to write about something we are letting go of. This is the center's last season before closing for renovations and opening again to the public maybe sometime in 2012. Our instructor thought it would be a good idea to focus the weekend on letting go of this space we've retreated to for years.

One woman wrote about letting go of her favorite house while another talked about letting go of her abusive ex-husband, who had passed away. My good friend talked about the pain of losing her only child to a rare form of Leukemia and compared her emotional weathering to the way sea glass is formed. A tear trickled down my cheek.

What was I letting go of lately? Most recovery is about letting go. Letting go of false hopes or dreams and learning to create new ones with the new reality we come to accept.

Recently I learned of a close family member decision to finally become sober. When I look back I recall much of my recovery has been in learning to accept this person's addiction and its effects in my life. What if this person does manage to stay sober? I'd be letting go of the emotional foundation I had built through the years. I'd have to rebuild with new thoughts and opinions and maybe even get to know this person all over again.

Don't get me wrong. I'm rooting for this person 100 % but I am aware that change even when good, is never easy. And not always possible. Over the years, there have been four failed attempts at sobriety. To be honest, I am hopeful but not holding my breath. (By the time of this blog post, this family member is at three weeks sobriety.)

I was grateful for time and space to think about all this this weekend knowing I was close to the sea.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens".--Carl Jung

Retreat Part 1. NEW SONG IDEA!

2010-05-31T14:00:00.003-04:00

Carpooling with another writer on the drive down and back to Mercy Center in at last weekend's writers retreat in Madison, Ct. was a good idea. I've learned when I'm troubled just being there for someone else not only feels good to do but also helps temporarily take my mind off its own troubles.

It turned out my driving buddy also was in search of some clarity in her personal life.

An attractive older woman she confided in me she is seeing two men. But none of them seem interested in being married. And she does want to get married again someday. She feels she is wasting her time, I have to say I agree.

"I really have to find my self esteem again.. she spoke, turned her head and gazed out the car window. We were passing an orchard. I glanced over at her. "What do you mean?"

Seemingly oblivious to what I just said she tells me about a recent job interview.

"After my divorce I returned to college and got my bachelor's degree. I went to a job interview for human resources. I dressed nice, aced the interview up until I was asked what did I think I could bring to the company? I just graduated with my bachelors, don't you think I would've at least spoke with some passion? Instead I couldn't think of a thing! I just fell silent. It was like I reverted to the old me. (In talking about recovery there is a term often thrown around our circle where we openly refer to the person we "used to be," very often the shy, insecure, guilt-ridden victim of abuse who is nothing like what we are today.) "How could I not sell myself when she asked. It cost me a job I really wanted, a job I went to school for!"

I shook my head and told her I didn't have an answer.

Or maybe I did.

"Hang on just a minute, OK? I've gotta write this down." I pulled the car to the side of the road, slipped it into park, left the engine running and threw off my seat belt to grab a pen out of my purse. Ever eager for my music to help others help them find themselves I began working on a song:

This is the start of it:

song "That Girl."
by Vanessa & Purple Song Project

Four years struggle, graduated with honors
interview after college could mean
the job of my dreams
But when I was asked the question, what would I bring?
I could not think of a thing..
I don't know why I came up empty-its not who I am today
Was I calling on yesterday who I used to be
That's not me anymore I'm not the girl I used to be
Chorus:
That girl ain't got nothing on me, that girl ain't as strong as I am
That girl....

(To be completed....)

We're moving!

2010-05-30T22:58:00.008-04:00

Please note our NEW (snail mail) address is:

P.O. BOX 426

Middlebury, Ct 06762

We welcome your letters-- (does anybody write letters anymore?) :)
and as always, email can be sent to info (at) purplesong (dot) com

Yes, and you're right Middlebury is also the home of American Idol finalist Katie Stevens.

Also, we may post on another blog. Last year we set up a sister site at Wordpress.com to experiment. While I like a lot about blogger, Wordpress seems to offer me more space and pages and is easier for you to leave your comments, if you feel the need.

So....we MAY moving over to Wordpress by June 15, still working on that site to get it up and ready. We'll post the new link when its ready!

Quotes to make us think

2010-05-28T13:51:00.008-04:00

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." ~Author Unknown

Boundaries

2010-05-17T16:28:00.004-04:00

(Answering a writing prompt from Christinakatz.com)

In some ways I make a living talking all about my recovery story. I recently took part in a local television interview this weekend and experienced emotions I wasn't sure Id felt before.

Some people like to be asked questions about themselves. For most of us it takes some getting used to. What gives my project its meaning is I feel comfortable discussing my past especially if it can help others.

After the interview I was kind of squirming inside. Sort "off the cuff" but very genuine (from what the cameraman, I mean woman told me) was the first time I began to talk about my abusers (without naming names of course) and it was the first time my story really came out. Apparently my presentation was very relaxed and natural. Still this is taking a little bit of getting used to. My soul is out there now. For strangers to know! That's the risk we as artists take, we are all expressing ourselves from the surface deep into the core.

This is where our boundaries come into play more than ever.

With the explosion of social media, face book, twitter, my space, even email, cell phones and you tube and blogs, we have tempting opportunities to let people in on....stuff.

My sister blogs on face book about her newly expanded family two years after her son was born, (she and her husband tried for "just' one more-- she ended up pregnant with fraternal twins, one boy, one girl) and calls face book her "life line." For my personal face book its a micro- blog to check in with "fans" and also connect with old and new friends. .I'll promote upcoming events for my band or this project. But I know my boundaries.

I'll be smart about

not sharing my pictures with everyone,

I don't post my full birthday,

I'll carefully screen those who want to "friend" me and

I won't annoy my friends with TOO many invites.

In respect to others boundaries, I'll post moderately, when I feel I have some worthy news to deliver. I'll send a private message if something seems too personal to be written on a highly visible wall.

Twitter is less personal, so I don't worry about that.

What's best is that we have the luxury of when to post, when to send an email, when to return a voice mail. But once we do the information is out there permanently in some cases for others to read or listen to at their own convenience. I have an old, slightly outdated TV interview made last year that unfortunately is still being aired whenever the local access TV station needs to fill a slot.

I have a song about Boundaries. Why? Boundaries are often the defining beginning or end of all relationships and projects.

I couldn't agree more.

Current events

2010-05-10T16:55:00.027-04:00

With the death of UVA's Lacrosse player, Yeardley Love the UVA campus and the world is shaken.
Relationship violence is rampant.... but what can be done?

The writing on the wall....Love and Huguely had a prior altercation previously ....
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20004360-504083.html

Update 5/03/10
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/wtvr-uva-student-death-story,0,7944223.story

Update 5/08/10
UVA student was found beaten to death in her off-campus apartment
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37037725/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/?GT1=43001

Update 5/10/10 Lacrosse field set for NCAA tourney
http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/Virginia-lacrosse-teams-prepare-for-NCAA-tournament?gt1=39002

This just reminds me a whole lot of Maggie's story, the inspiration behind the workshops
that I am so lucky to have been a part of.

Some quotes to make us think:

2010-04-30T19:26:00.001-04:00

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."

~ Gloria Steinem ~

"The most common way people give up their power
is by thinking they don't have any."

~ Alice Walker ~

"Courage is like a muscle.
We strengthen it with use."

~ Ruth Gordon ~

Only with both feet grounded I'll dare to stare at the clouds....

2010-04-26T17:31:00.004-04:00

(Another inspired post from a Christina Katz' prompt!)

I pride myself in achieving that down-to-earth mentality that so many artists get stereotyped for going without. In some circles artists are admired for rebelling against normalcy and holding a steady 9-5 full time job working for someone else in borrowed cubicle and these days on borrowed time. Once or twice I gave corporate a good try and left on good terms, though I did empty the supply closet of purple gel pens on my last day.(Hey, my particular supervisor was very lenient, believed in me what little she knew about my budding song project idea and so she let me take them. So, ok I may feel like a rebel at times but I'm not a thief!)

Taking a good HARD look at reality happens for me as often as I look in the mirror. I'll ask "How am I really going to chase my dreams?" " What can I do to supplement my income?" "What is the best marketing and promotional route to reach my target audience?" I'm a list girl, so I set goals, strategies, pros, cons and to-do lists. I seek out education, others' advice and just try to keep improving. Maybe these are reasons I still fit in with my "normal" friends, thankfully.

Here's a grounded comment: I didn't choose the music. It chose me.

Every time I chased normal (and caught it) some office after work get together would land me in karaoke contest of some sort and oh?! what's this? Vice president of so and so's assistant is hiding a talent. Then the popular subject at the water cooler would be "So, when are you going to try out for American Idol??" and under the breath, "She makes a darn good cup of coffee but she's wasting her talents." (I guess people with a musical talent are not supposed to also excel at pouring the right amount of grinds into a Bosch coffeemaker.)

One coworker actually said to me after hearing a demo cd that flitted its way around the office, "What are you doing heeeeere???" (Like shame on me, how dare I try to live a normal life?!!)

Here is a list of strategies I use to stay grounded:

Self Care: eating right,sleeping enough, daily exercise, "me" time: inc. baths and committing to reading an hour daily

Keep promises: if I say I'm going to do something, I'll do it. And on time. That includes paying bills :(

Make Time (for other priorities) girlfriends, husband, band, rest of family, cats, phone calls, emails, volunteering (no, not necessarily in that order)

Journaling ( Even if I write one sentence, it helps immensely to jot down whatever's going through my mind, that way I make room for new ...ponderings) Sometimes new ideas come for blog posts or songs or other articles.

Use Nike's slogan: Just. DO. It.
Sometimes we can get so bogged down with physical and mental preparation. The more we just do, the more we can find its more fun to just jump in and learn as we go!

Staying grounded helps me realize my limitations. For those of us who come from an emotionally unstable background certain vulnerabilities still lie underneath the surfaces of our skin and in our lives. I'm aware of what I am good at but also of my vulnerabilties. Being grounded helps me realize all the education in the world is wonderfully empowering but the greatest strength is in accepting our strengths and weaknesses and knowing ourselves inside and out.

Busy Week!

2010-04-24T03:34:00.004-04:00

The 17th marked the much anticipated release of Susan Omilian's book release and our co-produced CD. Just as we expected we raised the energy where the event was held and hopefully those that were there that night are still feeling the fresh momentum. The tour is kicked off and Susan and I are planning now one a month for the next six months, with television and radio interviews every so often.

I posted some pictures of the kick-off event:

What an honor to be posing with Susan Omilian and Maggie's mom Martha and Stepfather Rick Omilian

Maggie is the reason Susan began the My Avenging Angel workshops and wrote the Thriver Workbook, a culmination of the exercises Susan teaches in the workshops, to give women a chance to do what Maggie never will: thrive after being victims of abuse. Maggie was only a sophomore in college when she became a victim of dating violence: shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend. To learn more about Maggie's story and what her parents have been doing in Maggie's honor, go to rememberingmaggie.com

<---Here I stand with Susan and two other talented Singer/Songwriters and thrivers that we also featured at the event.

(L to R) Donna Gentile, me, Susan, Kate Callahan.

Artists need to go with the flow--and the most successful often do. When a band is playing back to back dance songs to an empty dance floor or when a gear malfunctions in the middle of a song, we need to keep smiling, keep giving our all despite our awkwardness or personal discomfort and keep the show going.

That's exactly how I can describe the second event of the busy week: Monday night's Conn Sacs event. It was the second time playing live music for the "speak out" for Survivors of Sexual Assault. Its an honor to have been included once again.

But something funny happened. (I view irony as quite hilarious sometimes!) The microphone was working for all the people who got up to speak and it even worked for my entire speech but when I began singing it died out. Seriously! I did one song, then a speaker told her story. Then I did another speech microphone now working and all, trusted that it was just a glitch earlier and so I began to sing.

Within 30 seconds the mic was DEAD. Again. So I walked around and played and sang for the crowd of about 45 people, finished, thanked everyone in midst of applause, placed my guitar down and returned to my seat in the crowd. Another woman got up to speak, did her thing then invited me back up. No sooner had I introduced this next song the mic died out again! So I smiled to myself, walked, strummed and sang for the audience again.

I whispered to the coordinator of the event "must be having strange luck tonight!" and she reassured me I sounded beautiful and was doing fine. "I don't mind this one bit", I smiled and whispered back. The floor opened up for anyone else to speak again. I looked around. Some people shifted uneasily in their seats. I did too.

Sometimes I imagined others were thinking "OH, NO she is not going to get up there again is she? How embarrassing to have the mic keep crapping out on her!!" Rising up in the face of challenge, I got up to again serenade my last song of the night in my now common and expected fashion.

The key note speaker William Boylin that night was very, very good. I took notes on what he spoke about: trauma and recovery, statistics of sexual assault victims. His talk was very educational and informative. I considered it very inspring and motivated me to buy Dr. Boylin's book Bedlam. I'm sure those notes will show up in this blog in the future.

<----At William Boylin's book signing. I wanted to get a picture with him and his book so he chose to get a picture with my Breedlove guitar. (In its case!)

Bravery

2010-04-19T16:30:00.015-04:00

Author Christina Katz asked the readers of her weekly e-zine to write about bravery this week. Thanks Christina for the prompt!

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it."

How do we become brave? I would have to say we become brave by doing. The more we do, the easier something becomes and so we move on to another challenge. It takes courage to grow.

The definition of bravery is (paraphrased) something that inspires fearlessness and boldness in the face of danger and extreme difficulty. Bravery doesn't always mean going it alone. Seeking help in a dangerous or challenging situation, or just recognizing we need to ask for help anytime in our lives sometimes takes courage.

Bravery is staying confident even when we face rejection or just our own uncertainties.

My project was dreamed up in 2006 but I kept thinking I needed to hold on to my full time job and other obligations before jumping in. I had every excuse in the book why I waited to launch this project: I didn't have enough money, enough time, enough skills, was already in a band, didn't want to engage in self promotion or maybe I needed to go back to school and complete another degree. What I've learned is you can only prepare (and procrastinate) so long for something. Eventually you have to bravely take the plunge and "dive in."

All the preparation in the world does not replace the value of experience I am now gaining. And every business that is started "tweaks" itself over the years. As I am learning what works and what doesn't I feel like a fish swimming upstream. Like the quote above says, I have a clear vision of what's before me, what I want in the long run and I'm getting out there to meet it. It takes courage and energy to continue to push forward.

After years of having been been regarded and praised as a professional singer in my rock band for my skills and talents, its humbling to start back at Square One again. Its only in the last few years I picked up the guitar and start learning how to accompany myself! Musician friends of mine say I have nothing to worry about, the voice is what carries the song and what the listeners care most about, but I strive for perfection in everything so I want to have a good guitar sound as well. And I want to become a good songwriter. I want others to relate to my lyrics, to like the melodies and want to sing along. I want to honor the many rules of the songwriting craft.

Sometimes I hit a wrong chord or can't quite yet find the right phrase or word to complete a particular song. Surrounding myself with more advanced singer/guitar player songwriters keeps me humble and hungry to keep learning, practicing, stay patient and bravely keep trying new things.

I'm never afraid to ask for help and I'm not afraid to make mistakes. As I move forward, every set back I may encounter will only help me develop that "rhino" skin that every artist needs to weather rejection or criticism.

And I'll never wonder what the brave artists already know.

An Evening of Hope and Healing tribute to survivors

2010-04-15T14:32:00.058-04:00

There is hope, so much hope available to survivors. I remember an idol of mine, Cici Porter in her Journey to Wholeness Project mentioned a fan of hers (and also an incest survivor) saying "I survived incest but I am not an incest survivor."

I took that to mean that just because life brings us through terrible circumstances, trauma or tragedy does not mean we are "stuck" with that label forever. In fact possibly holding on to the negative labels are what keep us in what I call "victimstance."True healing is moving on despite what has happened to us in our lives. Mistakes only exist for us to learn from anyway, at the very least viewing rejection as "no" for now, mess ups or failures only as temporary set backs and chances to improve will keep us in a more peaceful state of mind.

We can't control what happens around we can only control how we react to what happens.

I was proud to be a part of this awareness and tribute event on Tuesday night. (For Sexual Assault survivors. The month of April is, among other things, Sexual Assault awareness and Prevention month.) The keynote speaker (I think it was the keynote) who said, " I can tell who the survivors are because they are smiling." What a great way to begin the event!Yes, survivors are smiling because they know that even though something terrible happened to them their spirit is not destroyed.

After three more survivors told their stories I thought my playing a finger picked version of "Halleluiah" (the Jeff Buckley version)would deem appropriate. Three more speakers took the stage .One woman's speech began as " HI, my name is ... and I am an alcoholic...and no, I'm NOT at the wrong meeting!" and proceeded to tell the crowd her story of how abuse brought her to search for an escape with alcohol and in turn created double the problems.

As the hour long annual event drew to a close it was my turn again. I walked up to the mic and announced this song I wrote especially for tonight's event. I felt great pride especially because of what this song can say to survivors.

Based on the poem "The Journey" by Mary Oliver this song starts slow then picks up the pace.
I call it "Guided (There is Hope)"

One day you finally knew just what you had to do and
so you began
and though you had no clue where this journey would take your feet were already
in the sand
one day you finally knew just what you had to do and
so you began
and though the road seems long, you know its never wrong
to chase your dreams or follow
your own plan

Its the darkest nights that make our days seem gray
no sign of hope anywhere
we stumble, fall, stand up then lose our way
and we feel so alone out there but

there is hope there is love there's a chance to fly so free
there is heart there is soul there's a place we crawl to be
guided

When twilight has not invited day
and you lie awake in your bed
haunting mem'ries only want to stay
to pull you back down to despair

there is hope there is love, there's a chance to fly so free
there is heart there is soul there's a place we crawl to be
Guided

I want to be guided
Given light to see
Guided by someone who understands me
I'm like a boat that's tossed about the stormiest ocean
lost and alone at sea
help me mend, please guide me in each wave of emotion, washing over, washing over me

it was late enough, the world is cold and rough sometimes
the road's is full of branches and stones
the sun burns hot through sheets of cloudy skies
Hear the voice you recognize as your own
and its saying.... and it knows

there is hope, there is love, there's a chance to fly so free
there is heart, there is soul there's a place we crawl to be
there's a place we crawl to be
there's a place we all will be
guided
I want to be guided.... help me to see....

(Not bad for a first draft of a song! Since songwriting is a craft, I'll need to continue crafting what you just read above....)

After the last note was sung I felt an air of positivity, possibility and strength had filled the room. That's the purpose of this project and of my music.

Quotes to think about

2010-04-14T09:48:00.004-04:00

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

April 17 is almost here.....

2010-04-11T22:13:00.028-04:00

Photo illustration by DonnaGentile.com | Photo source: iStockphoto.com

In addition to producing the first CD of The Purple Song Project, I've been co-producing a CD to be sold as a companion to the Thriver Workbook and though its been an exciting adventure no doubt. The CD (at right) will be released April 17 along with the workbook. After that there will be more book and CD signing events and soon the merchandise will be available on line.

The last week in working with Susan, our graphic designer (Donna Gentile Creative) and our engineer, Dan Hocott (Gabriel Productions) to get the packaging done and the master sent to the CD duplication company, I was asked to take care of the graphic copy. You know all the credits and publishing and copyright mumb-jumbo that you see when you flip open any CD? So emails went back and forth regarding as I scooped up information for the timing of each songs and verifying the order. Between five or six emails and just as many telephone calls back and forth, but we got it all done.

The last three weeks were so hectic! First we planned for a Thursday to record two women who were reading spoken word on the CD. (Each woman wrote their own copy.) One is a guided meditation and the other a spoken word affirmation. In discussing how many tracks would be featured on the CD, our engineer tallied up the minutes: 30 minutes. Nope, not sale able. We need to add some more songs. So we ended up with forty minutes of material including soothing music behind the spoken word and guided meditation.

Then on the Monday or Tuesday following we planned to have me come in and record a new song written just for the CD and tweak any others that were going to be featured.

At the beginning of my knowing that I would have nothing to record I spat out the question to the engineer (who is subsequently a songwriter and accomplished musician.) "How would you like to co-write a song with me? He said OK (thankfully) and we took the next few hours to write, then record a rough copy.A few days later the final recording was made.

This is what we came up with, recorded and burned to the CD:

"Thriving" C. 2010 Vanessa Stevens & Dan Hocott

Stamping my mark on Earth,
Laughing on the road of life
Dancing with the wind
Emotions in and out like the tide

Leaving behind the hurt,
No space for it anyway
Knowing my worth
Finding my strength everyday

Walking my head held high, seldom a tear in the eye
since the day I said good bye to my old life

Chorus:
Thriving is so much more than surviving
It’s really living, it’s forgiving, it’s accepting then letting go
I’m letting go

Moving beyond the hurt
Learning I don’t need to run
Not afraid of revealing
These crazy feelings that come

Stepping into the world
Positive and so alive
My purpose is clear
I can do more than survive

A challenge brought me to tears but
I overcame my fears
Day by day life reappears before my eyes
(Back to Chorus) then,

I believe in my future,
I'm accepting my past
I have found the “real me” and I am free at last

Stamping my mark on Earth
Laughing on the road of life
Dancing with the wind
Now I know how it feels to.... thrive

Experience Makes Perfect

2010-04-09T12:40:00.004-04:00

Author Christina Katz asks: How did you get your experience? How do you keep learning new things to expand and improve on what you already know?

I wonder if I other singer/songwriters that find great guidance in Christina Katz' books and e-zines. (Christina is the author of Author Mama and Get Known Before the Book Deal.) Get Known is the book that helped kick me into action.

I've long since considered myself a writer as well as a musician and from my elementary school's advanced placement classes that continued into high school. Even in college I was told I was a strong writer. But though I may have not lost that talent I may have lost my strength as a writer simply by not practicing regularly. How do you know if you're a writer? A two word answer: Writers write. If you want to be a writer, write. I find writing is best done everyday when it becomes a practice. Practice every day and you will experience being a writer.The same goes for singing, painting, dancing or anything you want to become good at. Practice doing. As you do, you are.

I am a writer.I am also a singer. And a songwriter. I am an experienced singer who is wishing to gain more experience as a songwriter. But I've found the most success recently by practicing guitar for at least ten minutes EVERY day and actually selecting days when I will work on a song, either by myself or with someone else.

There are a few ways to improve in my chosen field:

I will hang out with more advanced artists, one of which I have established a successful co-writing partnership with.
Never one to put my all my eggs in one basket I learn of free business workshops offered by libraries or chambers of commerce and I make sure to attend often. I learn but there are also great networking opportunities that often present themselves.
I read books and seek out classes on any skills I want to improve on. I'll attend songwriting conferences, workshops and songwriting critique sessions. I'll constantly look for useful sites and articles.

Tonight I had a clear idea of how experience can help us and how lack of experience can hurt us. Recently I was interviewed alongside another singer songwriter to promote for an upcoming event. The interview was for a local access cable television show and not a high pressure situation but I still walk away feeling "clumsy" compared to the performance of my other artist friend.

When I was asked to describe my project I sort of stuttered out my usual tag line-- "healing and awareness through song to inspire hope in survivors." I know from experience that's the best way to describe my project to the masses. My friend had a perfectly crafted description of what her music is and who it benefits and even though it may not have been it seemed "off the cuff." A true mark of the experienced is when an artist's art appears flawless. Its not that I don't have a clear idea of what is it all about but I'm just short of experience in describing it live to a studio audience...

As most artists, I feel pressure in perfectionism. Becoming "perfect" only happens after years of experience (and even after that, most perfectionists still struggle!) Experience, or lack of experience is a hard pill to swallow but a necessary one in the beginning stages of any career but gaining experience is the hurdle we've got to climb to get to where we want to go. I reminded myself that my friend has at least ten years experience on me.She's climbed many hurdles and today she stands with poise and grace and has a flawless performance.

That's how I 've been described in the rock and roll band I've shared many amazing sucesses with: live television, rub elbows with celebrities, even played major concert halls! It took a lot of discomfort at times as I became "used" to these experiences. Now I am I eeking out of my comfort zone once again and I'm accepting all kinds of opportunities to branch out as a solo artist to gain that irreplaceable and necessary experience.

Quotes to make us think

2010-04-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

"Most people are other people. They allow the world to dictate what they want and what’s important to them. Do you?"

PSP featured on Beyond Violence tv show!

2010-04-07T09:13:00.004-04:00

Beyond Violence is a show featuring interviews with anyone in the Domestic Violence prevention and awareness field. I was recentlly asked to interview along with Kate Callahan, one of two other singers that will be presenting at the event, the launch of The Thriver workbook.

We performed two songs each and briefly described our music. I got to talk a little more about the event because I was placed in charge of hiring the other musicians and reviewing the script written by a talented scriptwriter in our group. I also co-produced a CD to be sold at the event as a companion to the workbook signing. I am so excited about this audio production originally supposed to only include my music but am thrilled there will be one song each from our other featured singers, Donna Gentile and Kate. Plus a guided meditation and a spoken affirmation.The purpose of the CD,coinciding with the workbook's purpose is to guide survivors of Domestic Violence to finding their authentic selves and realizing their dreams as they go from victim to survivor to thriver. I will discuss what a thriver (of Domestic Violence) is in an upcoming post.

Meanwhile if you live in the Bristol, Famington, Plainville, Burlington, Avon or New Britain area you can catch mine and Kate's interview on Beyond Violence on channel 5 Fridays at 8:30 pm. For more info and to learn how to be a part of the show, beyond violence.net

A New PSP Blogging Challenge....

2010-04-05T13:53:00.024-04:00

OK, so someone told me I haven't been posting as much on my blog as I SHOULD have. Well, I could say I am really, really, reallly, really sorry but that's not entirely true! I do want to post on this blog more often, I do because I know I have loyal fans who come here to see what I've posted but...will you forgive me if I tell you I 've been writing songs, many songs? And I am getting ready to go out there this month and do some live music! Life is a balance that we try to keep each and every day. I suppose neglecting to post when we should can be included in that balance!

I recently came across this cool and fun site inkygirl.com who is holding a challenge for writing a certain number of words a day. I chose to start with 250 words a day. 250 words a day is one page a front or a back. That's not much. It is a blog post. I actually rose to the nanowrimo challenge of writing a novel back in 2007. I was engaged and trying to figure out where I wanted to go in my life (besides being married!)I had a main character who was "egging" me on for years so I finally sat down to write her story.
IT may have been the craziest thing I ever did but I did in a month, I completed an over 50,000 page novel.

Sometimes all it takes is a challenge to be presented with so I have to remember the more I write, the more I will want to write, the easier it will get. This is how it was for me with the novel and with practicing guitar and songwriting. The secret is practice. Practice. I will be looking for ways to meet this 250 words/day challenge.

Ways to get in 250 words a day:

Blogging my experiences about every detail of my project from the songwriting to the Cd to the performances.

having a back log of artists to include in my monthly healing and awareness "Fast Five" interviews.

continue blogging about my parallel music career with my band. There are many challenges running a business along with five, soon six other members to the actual behind-the-scenes politics!

blog about my other services and including links to other writings s/a the Blog for Adult Children (of Alcoholics,) or my friends' blogs

answering Christina's call: Author Christina Katz ,who wrote Author Mama and Get Known Before the Book Deal sends out a weekly e-zine where she invites readers to blog about a subject she chooses, such as patience, entrepeneurship, experience, passion, etc. and what that means to us as writers.

Looking at this list I think I'll find plenty of ways to reach my 250 words mark.I'll start small, once every other day and will place this the soon to be every day rambles on a separate page. This is just to keep me in practice so it doesn't need to be on the main page.

After that I will raise it to 500 and maybe even 1000. Well, then maybe I'll actually be able to call myself a writer again?. Now I'm reminding my readers that I will post somewhere my 250 words a day, whether it be at another blog, a book review or another site or even song lyrics. I am going to give it a shot at least until I get into the habit of writing that much in one day! Certainly not as easy as it sounds.I think before worrying about reaching the 250/mark I'll simply just start with posting every day. That's challenge enough. So, wish me luck! THANKS!

An Evening of Thriver Spirit and Song Launches New Workbook for Women

2010-04-04T20:51:00.003-04:00

An Evening of Thriver Spirit and Song, a Saturday, April 17 booksigning event and concert in Windsor, Connecticut, will launch The Thriver Workbook: Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver! a new publication by Susan M. Omilian of West Hartford.

With easy-to-use work sheets, interactive writing exercises and inspirational success stories from those who have survived abuse, this workbook sets forth the motivational guidance Omilian has successfully used in the My Avenging Angel WorkshopsTM that she has facilitated throughout Connecticut since 2001 in order to help women move on after abuse.

Omilian was inspired to do this work after her niece Maggie, a nineteen-year-old college student, was killed in 1999 by her ex-boyfriend.

“Maggie didn’t live beyond her moment of realizing she was a victim of abuse and she didn’t survive the assault,” explains Omilian. “So now I work with women not only to survive abuse, but also to ‘thrive’ after abuse. I believe women who reclaim their lives in this way are less likely to return to an abusive relationship or suffer the long-term consequences of abuse.”

With the publication of this book, Omilian hopes she can reach the millions of women who will be subjected to abuse and its lingering aftermath in their lifetimes. “I want to show them how to live well, be happy and feel strong and confident once again,” says Omilian.

Omilian will appear at the April 17 event with three singer/songwriters, Vanessa Stevens of The Purple Song Project, Donna Gentile and Kate Callahan. Mary Jones of The Mary Jones Show on WDRC-AM and All That & More on NBC Connecticut will be the emcee for the evening. The event will be held from 7 to 9 p.m. at the Northwest Park Nature Center, 145 Lang Road, Windsor, CT, with doors opening at 6:30 p.m.

A suggested donation of $10 at the door will benefit the Never Going Back to Abuse Project of the Connecticut Alliance for Victims of Violence and Their Families, Inc., (CT-ALIVE) a non-profit, tax-exempt organization whose mission is to empower victims and their families to heal after experiencing the trauma of violence and abuse by providing support, advocacy and education. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of the book that night as well as a Silent Auction will also benefit CT-ALIVE.

“CT-ALIVE is proud to sponsor this fundraiser to support programs that provide the critical ‘next step’ for women to break permanently out of the cycle of violence in their lives,” says Jack Holden, President of the Board of CT-ALIVE. “Our Never Going Back to Abuse Project embraces Susan’s unique, innovative approach to helping women heal, grow and thrive after abuse.”

This CT-ALIVE project, coordinated by Omilian, builds on the life-saving work of the domestic violence shelters and sexual assault crisis centers. The goal of those programs, Omilian points out, is to get women safely out of abusive relationships and support them in dealing with the effects of violence on themselves and their children. “But women who have been abused also need services that will help them rebuild their self esteem and focus on what is positive in their lives,” Omilian adds.

In addition to the workshops and monthly support sessions she provides to women free of charge, Omilian is working with CT-ALIVE to develop other services, such as job counseling, educational programs, housing and support for children exposed to domestic violence.

For more information about the event, call 860-236-2401. Tax-deductible donations to CT-ALIVE can be made to P.O. Box 330083, West Hartford, Connecticut 06110.
(Post written by Susan Omilian)

Checking Our Egos at the Door

2010-03-19T00:09:00.016-04:00

I'm struggling with something tonight. Something inside me feels unsettled, like something inside is disconnected. It's E-G-O. Ego shifts our reality and we become very self-focused.We start to think somehow we are bigger than we really are and well, that's just EGO.

Great article on avoiding "Starry-itis"the ultimate illness of ego!

I have this character I created on stage as lead singer of the band I sing with that's "diva-like" and a BIG presence perhaps but its not the real me, just an act. So, who am I going to become in The Purple Song project? A hip young looking chick? A new age hippy girl (um, please no...) Still to be determined.I know that I will be more of myself. This is not to say I have been "faking it" all these years but in this solo project the real "me" is no doubt going to come across because, well , for one I won't have the comfort of "hiding" behind a band.

Some "mantras" I came across to keep in mind at the next performance:

It's not about me, it's about the role.
The fun stuff that comes with my job doesn't belong to me.
This, too, shall pass.

This is my own:

You're only as great (a performer) as your last show

One thing I have realized is a musician can never stop growing and when that musician grows into an artist, there implies even further growth out of the comfort zone. (Funny that's just like recovery.) Keep on moving forward, keep growing, keep developing. As an artist our lifestyle reflects in our art and for this reason alone I should have no worries about keeping humble, modest and down to Earth.

A friend of mine and fellow musician says to me, "Believe in yourself 100% because life will keep you humble."

We all have to have some kind of ego(enough to stand on stage and deliver.) BUT also know we also need to know we're not "God's gift." One fact that always amazes me is how many musicians there are out there--and how many talented musicians at that.That fact alone should keep us humble.

There are just as many musicians seeking to develop themselves into artists. How do we set ourselves apart from the crowd? I found a niche as an artist that sets me apart because I choose to focus on the subject of recovery of Domestic Violence and related traumas. 2009 was the year of the "niche" thanks to the competitive internet and popular blogs like Personal Branding Blog.

I have established all my marketing materials to help people know within seconds what I am about. If you are interested in learning how to find and develop your niche, I can talk more about how I planned this out in a later post.

Engaging Your Audience

2010-03-09T07:32:00.003-05:00

Interesting.... if you want to engage your readers/listeners/audience in general, gravitate towards the emotion.The emotion that you arouse in them, actually.

"Tell a story, make it funny. Or heartwarming. Or motivating. Or some other suitably rousing emotion. The point is, stories engage and when you pair it with emotional triggers… you’ve got a winner!"

In writing my story, it would be quite boring if I talk about how I got from Point A to Point B. if I included the struggle, the "how" of my journey that would make the story more emotionally connecting to my readers or my audience in general.

In a recent business workshop I attended, the speaker talked about keeping the audience interested and engaged. The speaker, Kathy Mc Afee (America's Marketing Motivator) was very, very good at keeping her audience engaged the whole talk. Ever eager to improve my speaking and presenting skills, I observed what Kathy did:

Repeat audience questions so audience members can hear
never embarrass them
help them to feel good
be energizing.

In other words its all about how you make the audience feel.
This is something I've always kept in mind any of my live performances every time I perform but especially in the rock and roll band where we have to keep the show moving for three or four hours. I've also kept that in mind ever since I read Shania Twain's quote that "when you are giving a concert, you are the host of the party and want to make sure each audience member has a good time."

That's truly one of the beautiful things about performing. Its not about the performer, its about how the audience feels after engaging with you and the performance.

When do we start to heal?

2010-03-04T16:38:00.011-05:00

Regardless if we begin the healing process now or later our recovery is always waiting for us, should we choose to take that path. Success is the journey, not the destination. In Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb" she says there's always gonna be another mountain...(another challenge) to overcome. I'm not sure if that's what life's all about or if that's the way humans are-creatures who look for challenge- and we make our lives this way.

I am not saying we our responsible for what happens to us. 99% of it is not our fault if we find ourselves in an abusive relationship, ill or out of a job or whatever the crisis is. I do believe we can take the responsibility to improve our lives, examine the current cause of our crisis, accept we are in pain and allow ourselves the time and energy fight our way through fire.

When is healing over?
Maybe never. Quite possibly we are healing the rest of our lives and that's OK. Healing is learning and if we are put here to learn then maybe that's why life can be so hard at times.

An interesting conversation with a friend yesterday revealed to me a new yet true word. He had recently lost his wife of 33 years to cancer and he faced a long, lonely struggle. He offered up his thoughts on what we were discussing. He reminded me that we rise above the pain and suffering that left us a victim. He mentioned the word "transendence."

I said excitedly to my friend, " That seems like you just described thriving." Thriving is a term not easily defined.Plants thrive in sunshine and plenty of water.. Animals thrive after being injured or neglected and now have are healthy and have a comfortable home. But for humans? Thriving is possibly what happens after trauma or loss or illness. But is is a temporary state or like Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs describes, the "self-actualized" state of mind and life to be in? I'll explore more of this concept in future posts.Back to healing.

Healing vs. Recovery

Is recovery a part of healing or is healing a part of recovery? Does one imply the other has taken place? Sounds to me like the chicken or the egg question.I think that our healing is a part of recovery. But healing has so many stages, its possibly we're never completely healed, we just grow more advanced.

What do you think?

Something to Believe In

Domestic Violence candlelight vigils: to honor the fallen victims and celebrate survivors

Our First Music Video!

We're Afraid of the Dark Places

Are You Surviving or Are You Thriving?

Your Birthday- 5 Things to Reflect On

A Song for the People (9/11)

Touched by Grace

Fight or Flight- How Past Experiences Influence Our Future Beliefs

Want Fame?;) Lessons from a (Superficial?) Reality TV Show and its Host

A Chance to Meet Oprah

The question: SO, what do you do? Your response: Um.....:)

10 Ways to Build Resilience**

Happy July 4th!

If You've Ever

Music IS therapy!

Music and Your Body: How Music Affects Us and Why Music Therapy Promotes Health

Music Therapy for Troubled Teens

Branching Out: Boston, MA

Book Review: Safe Haven Nicholas Sparks

April is SAAM (Sexual Assault Awareness Month) & Child Abuse Prevention month

Presidential Proclamation--National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month

Elin Stebbins Waldal, author of Tornado Warning

“I can no longer stay quiet in this world, I have a voice and I feel it reverberate off my internal walls, making its slow climb upward until its melody can be heard all around.”

--Elin Stebbins Waldal

What do you think? Violence Recovery Music. YES!! This needed movement is beginning!!

Answering a Fan Question!

Presidential Proclamation--National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, 2011

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

Human trafficking

January is Stalking Awareness month.

Happy New Year!!

Natural born story teller? Some lessons on public speaking

Out of darkness

Our NEXT speaking engagement!

Champions meeting other champions!

A 2nd Evening of "Thriver" Spirit and Song...October 20,2010

Happy Veterans Day!

Autumn is a time of change and reflection...(A Repost)

New song! Honoring Maggie's legacy!

Speaking to the Soroptimist-- Our first official speaking presentation!

Live speaking planned

Purple Song Project Planned

3 Ways Men Can Fight Domestic Violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month!

9th ANNUAL HOPE OUT LOUD PEACE/ARTS FESTIVAL

Coming Soon!

Remember....

Quotes to make us think

Busy? or Productive...

Why " Something to Believe In?"

Quotes to make us think

An Unlikely Meeting

Empowerment means Believing

Outrage...

Artists are integrated

Pictures of THRIVE (Trust, Healthy Relationships, Validation, Empowerment) event

Celebrating our Independence. Red, white and blue...

Fast 5 Interview Questions with musician & activist Gale B. Gardiner

Are you an egg polisher or an egg layer? Finding your Creative Rhythm

Artist Dis-satisfaction

Quotes to make us think

Do writers ever stop writing? Do artists ever stop creating?

Being Ready for What We Can't See

Quotes to make us think

Commitment and everything that goes with it....

Like our new look?

Fitness challenge

I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way...

Retreat Part 1. *NEW SONG IDEA!*

We're moving!

Quotes to make us think

Boundaries

Current events

Some quotes to make us think:

Only with both feet grounded I'll dare to stare at the clouds....

Busy Week!

Bravery

An Evening of Hope and Healing tribute to survivors

Quotes to think about

Retreat Part 1. NEW SONG IDEA!