Fight or Flight- How Past Experiences Influence Our Future Beliefs

( Please accept an apology. This post is late. We lost power in the recent Hurricane Irene. Normally, you can expect to see fresh content by Tuesdays. Thanks for reading!)

Fear is a motivator. When we create new experiences we can diminish those fears. There are three instances I've been  moved by fear or facing a fear in my life. A car accident ( I caused) a healthy relationship (I chose) and the recent hurricane experience that brought previous experiences rushing back to mind.

credit: greenwichtimes.com

 Hurricane Irene was on her way.  Loaves of bread, bottled water, flashlights and batteries flew off store shelves. Here in the Northeast tri-state area, we hadn't had a direct hit of a hurricane since 1985's Hurricane Gloria.




26 years ago, I was a seven year old girl watching the television flash warnings across a red screen that a Category 2 hurricane was fast approaching our area. Minutes later, the power went out.

We were a family of five, all huddled in our basement stair well. My parents held confused expressions when a neighbor pounded on our front door to to alert us that the front of our house was in the path of a large maple tree about to uproot. (We didn't own a cell phone in '85.) Dad thanked her for her effort, watched as she safely re-entered her house, then came back downstairs to tell us what happened.

Within seconds, a crash shook the entire house.

We hurried upstairs to see glass, pieces of roof and the wall, tree branches and maple leaves scattered across the living room carpet. That day,  I realized how small and fragile we all are compared to Mother Nature.Through the gaping hole in the wall  and what used to be a large window we saw the roots of the  front yard's maple tree now lying across our living room floor. They reminded me of skinny octopus tentacles waving in the remaining wind. I was terrified and carried this experience with me into adulthood. I thought we should all fear Hurricane Irene just as much.

credit: ctpost.com

Three days ago, as Irene neared Connecticut,  the wind howled, the branches were snapping off trees,our garden flowers were stripped of their petals and power lines swung like pendulums in the steady 60 mph winds. Packed suitcases sat by the front door in case we had to evacuate our home.

Because of Hurricane Gloria, I believed Irene would land a tree through our window. The only "damage" we saw, thankfully, was water pouring out of our ceiling light fixture. I am not as afraid of hurricanes anymore. Now don't get me wrong Hurricane Irene (downgraded to a Tropical Storm) did cause, area wide, a good amount of flood and wind damages, trees were uprooted and fell on houses and cars,  and there were inconvenient power outages. (When is a power outage ever convenient?) And sadly,  there were some fatalities and prayers are with those families.

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There are two other instances I can recall where my beliefs changed from past experiences:

In a car accident

A few years ago, flying down the highway at rush hour, I slammed on the brakes, jerked the steering wheel towards the guard rail but still managed to rear end the ahem, BMW, in front of me! Beamer's damage? A bent tail pipe and bumper. My car? Air bags erupted from the steering wheel and glove compartment, filling the car with the nastiest plastic smell.  The entire front end was crushed like a tin can and the hood was buckled like an accordion. A  nervous case of freely flowing adrenalin, I vowed to never again get behind a wheel.  But life goes on and I had to. 

The next time I got into a car I began to erase the doubt that I would not rear end someone again! Sounds ridiculous but that was the simple truth.

In my relationships
Relationships are anything but simple.Did you know I used to believe that everyone I dated would eventually become abusive? This may sound like a generalization but every relationship did in fact, "turn" verbally, emotionally, financially, or physically abusive.

We're told abuse is not the victim's fault--this will seem contradictory--but if there are ways we attract abuse, then there are ways to make ourselves less attractive to those who abuse.

I am  lucky to have married a man who is (it seems funny to have to label him this way) "non-abusive."By the time I met my husband I had made a firm decision I  was no longer going to attract abusive men. I had had it! I deserved better.   (Ironically, until I got further into my recovery, I still attracted abusive female "friends" and co-workers, argghhh!! Was bullied!  We women can be pretty mean to each other,  just sayin! I digress.)

I was determined, though and filtered out any signs of abuse with everyone I dated.  Nine times out of ten I saw a warning flag, and sometimes those warnings were mistaken but better to reject than to accept and regret.

Again and again I looked for signs of his being the wrong person: on every date, in every phone conversation, every step of the dating "game." It was exhausting!

I faced my fear to risk some vulnerability as I learned whom and how to trust again.

 Each new experience shaped new future beliefs, just like the devastation I expected with the recent hurricane, just like the accident I expected  to experience again behind the wheel, and just like the abuse I gradually filtered out and finally eliminated from my life.

Fear can make us choose to fight or flight,or stand frozen like a deer in the headlights.

in an article on healthyplace.com, psychologist Dr. Bein says, "Fear is a prime motivator, fear is often what keeps us in a situation."

Sometimes we can be so afraid we actually get frozen in indecision. What I've realized even when I don't decide, I am still making a decision to stay, to leave, to accept abuse, to not tolerate it. By changing expectations based on the past I created  new experiences to rely on in the future. Instead of being frozen by fear, I pushed through it each step in my recovery and took the risk necessary to change my beliefs until I didn't need to feel fear any more.





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